Nowhere But Here
by EdyFerrone
Summary: NYADA's new librarian, Mr. Smythe, looks to be younger, hotter and flirtier than Kurt had expected it. So, when he starts facing his real nature, it gets too hard for him to resist; which would totally be okay, if Sebastian hadn't become his teacher and if he didn't have a boyfriend already.
1. Prologue

**SHIP**: Kurt/Sebastian.

**RATING**: M / NC-17

**AU**: LibrarianTeacher!Sebastian / Student!Kurt.

**Summary**: NYADA's new librarian, Mr. Smythe, looks to be younger, hotter and flirtier than Kurt had expected it. So, when he starts facing his real nature, it gets too hard for him to resist; which would totally be okay, if Sebastian hadn't become his teacher and if he didn't have a boyfriend already.

**A/N:** Good Tuesday everybody!  
Since the holidays are coming and I won't be able to update for two weeks, I'm going to post daily or almost until then to make it up.  
Actually, if it's usually easy for me to update every two days if I want two - since most of my stories are already written and just need to be translated, as many of you already know - this is sort of an experiment. It's the first long fic I actually write directly in English, so I don't know how I feel about this haha. I made it read to the lovely CaramelApple74 who betaed it and suggested that I would post this. So I'm totally thankful to her!  
I hope you do enjoy and I beg you to just read the warnings before you decide wether you want to read this or not.

**Warnings**: If you don't like age difference, then I suggest you don't read this. It's a teacher/student somehow and since most of the teacher/student I've read included a very young teacher or a 40 years old one, I've went more in the middle of the two things because I liked it the most. Also, I wouldn't say there it includes _real_ infidelity, like physical one, but some people would consider it infidelity also when you still date someone even if you know you're feelings are growing stronger for another person. Besides, no Blaine bashing. Although Blaine is in the middle of it - often in my fics actually -, I don't hate him. In fact, I love using Blaine in fics just like I love using other characters. If you're worried about this, I would never hate on Blaine, he is a cupcake.

**Beta**: CaramelApple74.

/

**Prologue**

The taste for the forbidden is the hardest temptation to resist.

This is the reason why your kid is probably going to blow that vase you told him he should never touch. He's probably going to drop it on the floor, until it falls into million sharp pieces. But that's okay, because every time one gets a taste of forbidden, that's inevitably gonna cut. It wouldn't be forbidden if it didn't hurt so much.

Also, it wouldn't be forbidden if it wasn't so _fantastic_.

Most of the things one can have are fantastic; or maybe it's just the _wanting_ that makes them so desirable and amazing.

Hamburgers taste better when you're on diet.

The sky looks clearer when you can't go to the seaside because you're busy.

You feel dirtier and bad-smelling when you can't have a shower.

You just really want to play that video game again now that you've sold it away.

This is the way it is: human beings tempt to desire what they can't have the most. Once they've gotten it, it gets boring and the process of desire and longing slowly fades, making the forbidden lose the charm it had before it turned into usual banality.

So, most of what the forbidden is about is _the haunting_.

The haunting is the funny part, the one during which one always walks on the line between the infinite pleasure of filling his desire and the consequences that might eventually come with it. The danger of it is what pushes someone to take the risk, because it sounds like it's worth it.

Kurt can taste it on his tongue.

The fresh, wonderful savor of this chocolate ice-cream brushing his tongue and making it arch in pleasure is what makes him think that it's worth it. He has followed his strict diet for nine months in a row without even conceding himself any steps out of line. In the end, on the first day on his tenth month, Kurt couldn't resist.

He's sitting on the sofa of their apartment, all arched and pressed into it with his light, new Calvin Klein little blanket, soft and perfect, white like the clouds, as he lets his spoon sink into his fondant Magnum. There's a slight hint of guilt that makes his stomach flip, but he tries to ignore it. He's resisted for nine months without breaking any rules, so now he's totally sure that eating this one out will help him kill the desire of it.

_I just wanted to break the rules after so long_, he tells himself, _I'm eating it because I __**can't**__ eat it, not because I want to. _

He sighs heavily and lets himself fall deeper into the sofa as the fashion TV show he's watching makes him scowl with the competitor's terrible choices. At least someone is breaking rules worse than he is, because it's rules of decency.

When he has dropped the last spoon of ice-cream down his throat, he hears the key rolling into the lock and starts with guilt as he stands up from the sofa and almost runs towards the waste bin and drops the plastic container. He shifts towards the sink fast as he opens the tap and washes the spoon, pulling it aside, into the cutlery.

When the door opens and a few seconds later Rachel emerges from the wall, Kurt is already innocently leaning his hip against the counter and he's got his arms crossed to his chest. He wears a playful smile, but Rachel frowns as soon as he sees him.

Blaine comes out from behind her, walking into the kitchen, but having to stop when Rachel puts an arm on his torso to stop him as she stares at Kurt with her mouth wide open.

"Is that chocolate on your face?" she asks suspiciously.

_Shit_.

"Hmm …" Kurt hums stupidly. "'s not."

"_It is_." Rachel rolls her eyes and Blaine's giggling behind her.

"C'mon Rach," he says, walking around her and then stepping to Kurt. "He's been perfectly good for nine months, he was _impeccable_. You can't really make him feel guilty for the one time he's eaten something that wasn't a fresh cucumber."

Rachel turns to Blaine in disbelief, as if she was expecting him to support her.

"Kurt is your _boyfriend_! You should be worried about what he eats since Cassy is going to notice each pound of chocolate on his ass!" she yells as usual as Blaine reaches Kurt.

Kurt watches as he puts his hands on his hips and then leans up to press a soft, fond kiss on his mouth. He smiles into the kiss, closing his eyes and enjoying the pleasant blend of sweet chocolate and Blaine taste.

It lasts just for a few seconds, then Blaine moves back, walking through the apartment as Rachel is still shocked in front of Kurt.

Kurt shrugs and smiles at her innocently, and that makes her even more furious.

"Well, don't call me up when you'll need someone who can help you choosing your new size!" She frowns and Kurt giggles lightly as he leans a hand over the counter to take a handkerchief and clean the chocolate away from his mouth. "Kurt, this isn't funny, we've worked hard on this. Look at you; do you remember how we were during our sophomore year?"

Kurt sighs lightly and shows her another smile.

"I just had one, ok?" he asks, lifting his eyebrows as he gazes fast to Blaine, who's sitting on the sofa and watching the same fashion show Kurt was watching before. "It's not the end of the world. It was more about _having it_, wasn't it? The fact that chocolate is a totally _mustn't _on my list made me want it. That's it."

Rachel arches his brows almost theatrically as she stares at him in disbelief. Blaine looks completely extraneous at the situation, but Kurt knows that he's probably giggling lowly not be heard by Rachel.

"This isn't how it works," Rachel says, shaking her head and putting her hand firmly on the counter. "Kurt, if you lose your balance once, you're going to fall again and again. Every time you see something you've been wanting for so long, something that's good and _forbidden_, you're just going to want more of it."

"I don't think so," Kurt snaps, mirroring her position with a hand on the counter. "When the _forbidden_ loses its _forbidden_-_ness_, where's all the fun?"

"_Kurt_ _Elizabeth_ _Hummel_." Rachel points her index finger to him. "You aren't the I wanna have fun kind of guy."

Blaine laughs loudly now, but Rachel just rolls her eyes and the focuses back on Kurt with no mercy. "Are you suggesting that I'll get emotionally involved with a chocolate ice-cream?" Kurt hints, fake-wondering look on his face. "Blaine, you'd better be jealous."

He finally walks away from the counter, surpassing Rachel and walking towards the sofa where his boyfriend is sitting, a hand on his mouth to keep from laughing out loud.

Kurt looks at him for a second.

It's still different from the beginning and he hasn't forgotten that Blaine had cheated on him. Forgiving _is not forgetting_, he thinks to himself as he sighs. It's not like he's still mad at him – maybe – but he'd want to be like it was in the start. He wants it to be the mature, lovely relationship they had back in high school.

"Wanna come and hug me?" Blaine asks, spreading his arms towards him. "Or are you afraid that I might smell chocolate ice-creamed boyfriend on you?"

It's funny.

Kurt knows it is, but he can't laugh.

The fact that Blaine is slightly mentioning cheating, so lightly, confuses him. He knows it's just _Blaine_, it's the way he plays, he jokes, just that. He's not doing anything mean; he really wants it to sound funny. Yet, Kurt has to force a smile.

Eventually, he joins him on the sofa.

/

Wednesday comes soon.

It's been two days since the so called _CIA _– _Chocolate Ice-cream Accident_ – and Kurt hasn't felt any sort of wanting towards it again. Not that he has believed Rachel's theory, not even for the slightest of seconds anyway. Even when he's in line to get launch at NYADA's cafeteria, the area destined to the students who have extracurricular projects, he isn't slightly tempted from the sweets and donuts. It's just as he has thought it: once tasted, the forbidden loses its fascination, no matter how hard Rachel tries to convince him it's not like this.

He's just eaten his salad and fruit, as he should, and then moved to the library where he's going to spend the next three hours trying to get some credits over an extra exam of literature. He's chosen French literature for now, so he needs to start checking on it. He's always loved French, but it's not like you get to know literature for real in High School. It's just all a bunch on summaries and exercises.

He's walking along the hallways between the shelves, trying to catch the initials BOU on the books. His gaze is completely focused on the books as he runs between the BAE's, then the BICs and the thousands of books in the library.

He's so focused on searching that he doesn't even notice the boy standing in front of him until he's stepped on his feet.

The immediate groan of pain makes Kurt startle, and before he can even realize what's happening he's already dropped his books and notes on the floor. He bends down without even looking at the guy, trying to gather all of his things as he mutters a long series of senseless _sorrys_.

He realizes he's panicking when he freezes as someone's hand touches his own as it's trying to grab his precious notes.

Kurt lifts his gaze slowly, and finds himself a little breathless as he finally sees the boy bending in front of him who's just arched on his knees to help him out.

He looks _handsome_.

His eyes are green and shine with a strange knowing light, as if he's already heading to something. They stare back at Kurt, studying his face almost as Kurt's studying the other boy's. He breathes in slowly, trying not to get lost in this weird new sensation invading his body. It's silly of him to feel like this with a complete stranger, so he's not going to allow it.

His hair is a little spiky, but just a little, since it looks well put-up with gel, or maybe something different. _Why am I nervous?_ Kurt thinks, swallowing, _I should know what he's used for his hair, I __**always **__know, at first sight_; then, there's his smirk: it's smart, maybe slightly arrogant and lingering, thin lips arched in a delicious way. His face and part of his neck – the only portion of tanned skin Kurt can see beside his face and his hands – is covered in charming freckles.

He uses the last second of this long contemplation to breathe in more slowly. The boy smells like cologne, it's good and fresh, but also not comforting as far as Kurt's concerned about smells, perfumes and colognes.

"I'm-"

"Sorry?" the boy stops him as soon as Kurt tries to speak, a trembling voice that makes it hard as it comes out weaker than he had expected. "You've already said that. Are you as boring as you seem to be?"

Kurt frowns immediately, his face weirdly altered as he tries to process his words. Maybe he's just heard it wrong, maybe _he's got it_ wrong and this smirking guy he has just met didn't actually mean what he's said.

"Excuse me?" he asks while he's almost sitting on the floor of library, hands that wander insecurely to find some paper on their way.

"You look boring," he tells him again, and Kurt _knows_ he's heard it well this time. "One stare is enough for me to realize that you're a walking stereotype: dressed in gay, gay hair, gay smell, _gay face. _Wow, sounds interesting."

It takes Kurt another few seconds and then he realizes how judgmental this guy in front of him is being.

"Well, I'm sorry if I'm too gay for this conversation," he snaps, showing him an unhappy proud face. "But last time I checked, I was gay. So, don't get me wrong, but this all trying to be offensive by using the word _gay_ isn't going to work. My gay face just suits my gay being as much as your asshole face suits your asshole being."

The guy's voice cracks into a low laugh as he's leaning his hands down and gathering Kurt's stuff to push it into his hands.

Kurt lowers his gaze to stare at where this unknown boy is passing him his notes and then looks up at him again. He doesn't trust him. It's clear now; he's just the kind of person Kurt can't trust.

"Thanks for being so judgmental," the guy tells him, and Kurt feels like yelling because, _seriously? He's the one being judgmental?_

"Well, you've been judgmental first," he says, feeling like he's five years old, but he's unable to keep it. God, he's never wanted to be _so right_ and to have the last word as he is right now. "So I guess that makes two of us, anyway."

"At least I'm being judgmental _better_." The guy smirks, and when they both stand up, Kurt's leaning fast towards his notes and taking them from the boy's hands to press them on his chest.

"I don't think that's something to be proud of." Kurt winces and then lowers his gaze where the boy is laying a hand. He immediately arches his eyebrows and for a few seconds he thinks about telling him that he doesn't want to hold it.

Then though, he thinks that holding his hand, _squeezing_ his hand hard, might be a way to make this arrogant guy understand that Kurt isn't going to stand and stare while he talks to him like this. He doesn't know what it is exactly, but there's a new sparkle in his body, and it could burn into a flame. It's like he's feeling competitive again, like he felt last year for the last time when he challenged Rachel at Midnight Madness.

So he leans his hand too, showing him a fake grin and taking the boy's one into his own until he's squeezing it.

"Sebastian Smythe," the boy says, and Kurt could swear that his name sounds like evil, too.

"Pleasure," Kurt snaps proudly. "Kurt Hummel."

They just stay like this for a few seconds, holding hands tightly as if none of them wants to give up on the grip and show his weakness. They wince at each other until Sebastian is slightly pressing his fingers right under Kurt's knuckles until it hurts and Kurt's forced to take his hand back and leave the hold for first.

He would complain, but complaining means admitting that they were playing some sort of game and Kurt doesn't want to.

Sebastian lowers his gaze towards something Kurt isn't sure of. He looks like he's checking the books pressed against his chest and then their eyes meet again.

"You were searching for something?" Sebastian asks. "I mean, it must be interesting if you didn't notice my hotness and stepped on me." Kurt lifts an eyebrow and shows him a proud bitch face. "Or maybe you stepped on me because you wanted me to talk to you. How cute."

"Of course," Kurt fake-smiles and winces. "I was actually stepping on you because you smell like arrogance and I wanted to hit you."

Well, it's not true, Kurt knows it. He actually thought the guy before his eyes was handsome, before the asshole was revealed as the bitch he seems to be now that he's opened his mouth.

"Oh, you're finally admitting it." Sebastian completely ignores his irony and winks at him.

There's something so _frustrating_ in his guy, seriously, Kurt would slap him if it wasn't for his anti-violence policy.

"Fine, now that I haven't admitted what you think I've admitted, would you mind going somewhere else?" Kurt asks, falsely kind. "I sort of have a life and interesting things to do that don't involve you."

"_Ouch_, this hurts." The guy smirks unpleasantly as he shifts his gaze for a second to Kurt's chest, looking the firmly when he has his books, Kurt has no idea why. When his eyes go back to Kurt's, he's smirking wisely and, again, Kurt feels _frustrated_ at his behavior. "Woah, what was this charming princess searching for here?"

Kurt looks at him suspiciously for a few seconds, wondering if this is some kind of trap or something. He might just wanna find out what Kurt reads so that he can mock him, something like that. Maybe not, though. Indeed, the books Kurt's searching for aren't for his personal taste: they're on the list of books he has to read for the end of the semester when he has this extra exam. So Sebastian can't really mock him because it's not about his personal taste.

And again, it is somehow about his personal taste, isn't it? The fact that Kurt has chosen _French_ literature is indeed something about his tastes. Sebastian is probably going to say something like _French_? _Could you be any more gayer_?

"So, you're not going to answer …" Sebastian whispers, lifting his eyebrows and wrinkling his nose as if he's thinking of something.

"It's useless." Kurt shakes his head and tightens his eyelids, one of these looks which could kill. "I bet you wouldn't know even one of the writers I'm searching for."

With one last final smile, Kurt just walks by and passes beside him. Anyway, Sebastian doesn't seem like the type of person who gives up easily.

"Try me," he murmurs as Kurt can clearly hear not only his voice closer than he'd expected, but also his steps walking behind him.

He sighs and gives in, even if he's still walking along the shelves.

"Nous avons psychologisé comme les fous, qui augmentent leur folie en s'efforçant de la comprendre," he murmurs without paying too much attention to his words as he's lifting on his toes to check the names under the shelves.

"Oh, Charles Baudelaire," Sebastian comments, and Kurt turns with his eyes wide opened at him.

He looks between Sebastian and the shelves as if he's searching for something that might have betrayed him, something about Baudelaire he hasn't realized he was looking at between the books. Nothing. Well, Baudelaire is quite a famous writer, so if he's a student at NYADA or any college, he might just know him.

He puts his feet back on the ground completely and looks at Sebastian, who looks proud and arrogant again.

"Les sanglots longs des violons de l'automne blessent mon cœur d'une langueur monotone," Kurt chants again, pretending as nothing happened and challenging Sebastian with his eyes.

Sebastian just shrugs and smiles.

"You tried, Verlaine," he says and wrinkles his lips again, and then Kurt's _speechless_.

He breathes in and out, feeling his heart weirdly hammering. God, this is weird. It's like everytime he talks about European poetry and literature with Rachel and Blaine, they look bored and confused, like he's speaking another language. Maybe because _he is_. But this arrogant guy in front of him knows what Kurt _is talking about_, and it's crazy. It's like the world is making fun of him.

Maybe he's just good at French and whatever is French, so Kurt tries something different.

"A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it," he murmurs, low voice, as if he doesn't even feel like talking anymore. Sebastian is fucking smirking again.

"I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best," he answers smugly as he takes a step towards Kurt and starts murmuring: "Exactly, Wilde. We have the same way of living, I guess."

Kurt's heart is jumping on itself and beating fast now as he lowers his gaze for a second, to stare at the way Sebastian's moving to get closer, step after step, slow and deadly. This tension, or whatever it is, is something Kurt has never felt before and it's scaring him so much he can't talk.

"Speechless again?" Sebastian asks, now so close that Kurt can smell his cologne. "Want me to explain?"

"_No_," he says and shows Sebastian his back to walk away and run from this strange sensation.

Sadly, as soon as he does, he finds himself pressed with his back against the bookshelves, books tight against his chest on an instinct and Sebastian's hand that holds the shelf right beside Kurt's right ear. Kurt's in panic.

He looks into Sebastian's eyes and has no idea what to do; his pupils are blown and Kurt's starting to fear he might be some sort of library maniac who catches his preys, rapes and kills them with famous writers' quotations. His heart is now exploding in fear and he feels the urge to cry, and _fuck_, if he isn't a maniac though, Kurt doesn't want to show this arrogant idiot how afraid he is.

He can practically feel his good-smelling breath beating against his own skin, Sebastian's thighs brushing casually his own and Kurt _has never_ been so intimate with a boy that wasn't Blaine, which is terribly frightening and makes him feel guilty even though he hasn't done anything and, especially, doesn't plan on doing _anything_ with Sebastian.

Luckily, his fear turns back to simple panic when Sebastian leans over until their lips are almost touching only to whisper on his mouth.

"Ansia perpetua de algo mejor, eso soy yo."

Their eyes are connected and Kurt is swallowing. His chest is lowering and lifting and eventually, he blinks just once and then whispers back: "Bécquer." Quick and small, just the name, watching as Sebastian smiles happily and satisfied.

"You got that right, woah," he says, stepping a little back from Kurt, which makes Kurt almost sigh in relief – he keeps it only because he wants to prove that he's completely indifferent to the situation.

"Yeah, well, that was easy," he answers, feeling the blush on his cheeks and his heart still beating fast as he shrugs at Sebastian. "You could have asked me for something harder."

"A few minutes and I would totally get you up for something harder." Sebastian winks and the blush on Kurt's face fires up immediately. "No, but seriously, that was tough. Bécquer … nice score, gay face."

"Bécquer is totally romantic, and now you can make fun of how gay you think this is." He rolls his eyes, though his legs are still shaking as he's leant against the shelves. _Fucking closeness_. "That's why I know and love him."

Sebastian giggles and looks down at the books in Kurt's hands again for a minute.

"Are you going to take French Literature?" he asks, and well, he seems spontaneously and innocently curious, which is weird.

Kurt takes a few seconds to think about what he's going to answer. By the way, Sebastian already has the Bécquer blackmail material to make fun of him, so it can't get worse than this.

"Yeah, well, I was planning on it," he says, breathing in as he tries to makes his cheeks go back to pale. "I guess it'd be interesting as an extra, fine way to get me some credits."

"I see." Sebastian nods and presses his lips together - Kurt has no idea why - as he puts his hands on his own hips. "So, you think it's going to be an easy exam?"

"I-I didn't say that!" he stammers evidently, as he always does when he gets nervous. He has no idea who this Sebastian guy is, but he surely smells like trouble. And cologne. "I just think it fits me, so it's going to be easy studying something I love, and-"

"You think it's gonna be easy," Sebastian confirms, rolling his eyes and sighing. Kurt has no idea why, but he looks a little disappointed with that. "Baudelaire is right behind your back, Kurt. Or am I supposed to call you Hummel?"

Kurt wrinkles his nose and his face turns into a grimace as he shakes his head.

"Why would you do that? You don't look like the formal kind of guy," he says, feeling a little of the tension and nerves slowing down.

Sebastian giggles and shrugs. He looks way more natural now, and there's something rather fascinating in the way his smirk has turned into a smile. Kurt isn't going to let him know that, of course, but he looks kinda cute like this. Giggling, smiling, shrugging, relaxed.

Fuck, this is terrible.

He can't really be thinking these things. He remembers the last time he simply started thinking cute of a boy. Chandler. Blaine still stiffens and winces every time the name comes out and, well, they had a pretty tough fight about him. Also, the fact that he's blushing and feeling weird around a guy who looks annoying and arrogant isn't helping him feel better about the sensation.

"I don't, indeed, but I'm very professional," he says, his smirk lifting up again as he looks into Kurt's eyes.

"_Oh_." Kurt's eyes widen again as a new panic burns into him. "You're … the new librarian?"

That must be the reason why he's so damned prepared in literature. How hasn't Kurt thought about it? Of course, because he looks so young and … how old is actually the guy who's almost pressed him into the bookshelves, breathing on his mouth? Why the hell did the librarian even have his lips so close to Kurt's? _Shit_. This is getting worse and worse.

"Nice to meet you, Hummel." Sebastian winks and _crap_, is Kurt supposed to call him Mr. Smythe or something?

He has no proper time to think about it though, because as soon as he opens his mouth to reply instinctively, _Mr. Smythe_ lifts his hand and softly grabs at Kurt's cheek, brushing it gently between his thumb and index finger before letting it slide and let go of him.

Kurt's practically frozen.

He has no idea what to do or say. His heart's hammering again, but he doesn't know how much of this is actually _allowed_. It's not like Sebastian is a teacher, right? This isn't illegal. Not that he's planning on doing something with Sebastian, just in case someone's seen them.

"Hmm yeah, well …" he murmurs, meeting Sebastian's gaze with his own. "Nice to meet you, Mr. Smythe?" he asks doubtfully, feeling panic burning inside him again.

"Good boy." Sebastian winks and crosses his arms to his chest. "You look pretty surprised and, mostly, you look _pretty_ when you're surprised."

Okay. So the guy is the new librarian and he's flirting with Kurt who is momentarily between his body and the shelves. This situation is scaring the crap out of him so much he can feel his fingers shaking around the books he's still holding.

"How old are you?" he asks directly, ignoring the flirt.

"Not a gentlemen question, I guess." Sebastian lifts his eyebrows and smirks maliciously.

"_How old are you_?" Kurt asks again, breathing harshly as he presses his own body back against the bookshelves as if the wood could suck him in and put some distance between them.

"Thirty."

Kurt's heart stops for a few seconds.

At this point, he has to admit that he was expecting even worse, even though Sebastian practically looks like he could be attempting NYADA just like Kurt. But still, a thirty year old man is hitting on him, and although ten years aren't too much if he thinks about what _it could have been instead_, it's the first time he gets hit on by a _man_. No high school, no college, no glee clubs; a man who works as librarian at his college.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Smythe." He immediately tries to put some distance between. "I gotta go."

"Of course you have to," Sebastian sighs ironically but nods towards the door to point it to Kurt. "It's going to be a pleasure to examine you this semester, Hummel."

Kurt's heart stops immediately, but he gets no further explanation than that. Sebastian is already walking away and it's starting _to hurt_, because what is that supposed to mean? Why should Sebastian examine him?

As he watches Mr. Smythe, Sebastian, the annoying bitch walking down the library hallway, he hopes with all himself that he really doesn't have anything to do with his exam. He hopes so, because Sebastian dislikes him and enjoys flirting with him. The kind of situation that's totally inappropriate for an exam.

When he starts walking towards the door – he doesn't use the one Sebastian has pointed, he uses the opposite one, just because he doesn't really want to do what Sebastian says – Kurt's head is so filled with thoughts of panic and fear, guilt and confusion, that he doesn't even realize he hasn't taken his precious _Les Fleurs Du Mal_.


	2. Chapter 1

**A/N: **Guess this comes as a fast update!

Thanks to anybody who has been following this story or favorite it. I'm so happy that someone likes it! I'm going to be off for 2 weeks for a holiday, but hopefully when I'll get back, several chapters will be written =) ! Thank you so much for you support!

Hope you enjoy!

Beta: CaramelApple74.

/

**Chapter 1**

Kurt spent the last few days feeling like shit.

He wandered carefully around NYADA, trying to go unnoticed as if he'd done something wrong.

He knows he hasn't because that was just Sebastian – _Mr. Smythe_, actually – who pushed him against the shelves, and Kurt just really didn't want that closeness between them. He didn't, right? Okay, there was maybe the slightest little moment during which he felt a hint of pleasure, but that's completely normal because Mr. Smythe is attractive. He's too much of a jerk to be attractive as a _person_, so Kurt just took advantage of the fact that he looks sexy.

It's just like crap, the simple fact that he admitted to himself that he thinks he's sexy. It makes him stumble as he walks along the hallway to reach the ballroom.

Also, he doesn't really understand why he _should_ take advantage of it. He's completely fine with Blaine, doesn't need anything and anyone else, especially not an asshole. It's just that he found it endearing to be pushed against a bookshelf because Blaine isn't that kind of guy, so Kurt isn't used to it. It's not like it's better than their usual ways, it's just _different_, and the first time, different can be exciting.

It's Monday, and Kurt still hasn't gotten the chance to talk to Blaine about the library accident and somehow he also feels _uncomfortable_ with the idea of sharing what happened with his boyfriend. It's one of those things one keeps to himself, isn't it?

"Going somewhere interesting, Hummel?"

The voice cracks his nerves right when Kurt was about to turn in the hallway that was going to take him to the ballroom. It breaks into him and fills his veins with panic, making his stomach twirl because he knows he can't _ignore_ him.

He turns slowly, and all he sees is Sebastian Smythe, _Mr. Smythe_.

He's obviously smirking, shoulder pressed against the wall, arms crossed to his chest and he looks totally attractive. Kurt tries to avoid the thought, though it gets harder when he lowers his gaze; Mr. Smythe is wearing a tight, white shirt, unbuttoned at the top and dark slacks that Kurt can barely notice because he's forced to look up not to stare at his collarbone. He doesn't want to think Sebastian is sexy, but the truth is that he is, even though Kurt doesn't care that much.

"Dance lesson?" he asks rhetorically, then lowers his gaze when two students walk behind him. He doesn't know why though; he personally hasn't done anything wrong.

"Hmm, schedules and stuff. Cassandra July is waiting for me."

Sebastian just smirks and looks away for a second before going back to him and shrugs.

"Although, the idea of Cassy yelling the crap out of you is way too appealing." Sebastian's looking at him straight in the eyes now, and Kurt doesn't know how the fuck he feels about it. "I'd have to disappoint you. I'm not here to make you late as you might think."

"S-so why are you here?" Kurt stutters a little, but then swallows the nerves down. He doesn't need to look nervous in front of him. "I mean, of course you want me to be late so that Cassandra would kill me."

He can't snap back too much though because Sebastian talked about _examining_ him, and until Kurt's sure that Sebastian isn't the teacher who's going to do that for his extra exam, he doesn't want to take the risk.

"Yeah, well, I don't want your sexy ass dead," he says and smirks and crap, Kurt still finds it awkward, not only because Sebastian might be his teacher, but also because he's fucking thirty. He just blushes at the words, wondering if Sebastian's really stared at his ass. "Just wanted to remind you that you forgot your precious books on Wednesday."

Kurt knows.

Of course he knows.

He spent the whole weekend complaining with himself about how stupid he'd been to forget about the reason why he was there in the first place. There's also a part of him that wonders about how hard this guy must have been taking on him to make him forget about Baudelaire.

"I know," he confirms then and shrugs lightly, trying not to show him how nervous he is. And why is he feeling nervous about Sebastian anyways? Is that because it's his teacher eventually or because he is … so flirty and … whatever. "I think I'll … I think I'll just find another way to-"

"You're not going to walk in the library anymore, aren't you?" Sebastian asks, wrinkling his lips and looking so fucking knowing that Kurt wants to slap him in the face.

He can't do that though, not when Sebastian might turn out to be his teacher this semester. He just winces and looks at him in the eyes.

"I am," he snaps, murderously. "I just don't feel comfortable around you."

"Is it because I'm the librarian?" Sebastian shifts a little from the wall and takes a step towards Kurt, who steps back immediately. "Or is it because I'm hot?"

"You're not hot." Kurt sighs and blinks nervously again. Is this because he's lying? Is it because Sebastian just _knows_ how hot he is? "It's just because I feel uncomfortable with you pressing me against bookshelves when you're ten years older than me, and …"

He freezes, unable to pronounce his words.

It's like he hopes that if he doesn't tell anyone about Sebastian being his teacher, it's not going to happen. It's stupid, he knows, but he really doesn't want to say it out loud. Sebastian's just smirking, by the way.

Sebastian, though, is looking at him like he just knows what Kurt was about to say, and this doesn't make him any more comfortable, indeed. But Mr. Smythe doesn't add anything, almost as if the knowing smirk he's throwing at him is enough about it.

"Well, you can't really stop coming to the library when I'm around," he tells him lightly, taking another step towards Kurt and looking predatory, "I am the librarian, so I'm practically there all the time every day."

Kurt gasps, taking another step back and feeling his body shiver with something unknown that he isn't ready to define yet. It's like this Sebastian guy scares him and at the same time, he gives Kurt the strength to fight.

"I'm coming whenever I want to," he tries to snap.

"You're coming when I want _you_ to," Sebastian answers, his pupils going blown again and making Kurt's stomach flip with awkwardness. "But seriously though," he murmurs lowly, way _too lowly_ for what's supposed to be a conversation between a student and a librarian, "I'm waiting for you to come to me this afternoon, 5 o'clock."

"I'm not coming to the library when you tell me to," Kurt whispers, looking straight into his eyes so that Sebastian knows he isn't joking. Still, there's a thick pain in throat and his hands are trembling around the few books he's holding to his chest. "I won't actually do anything you want me to. I'll find another library to get the books."

"So you can't resist me." Sebastian smirks and Kurt wants to slap him. _Again_.

"I can." He winces. "But I've already told you I feel uncomfortable around you." He looks around as a girl walks beside him and quickly adds, "Mr. Smythe."

Sebastian must find it funny because he's giggling and, once again, Kurt feels that twirling sensation in his stomach as he thinks he looks good when he giggles. He remembers this isn't even the first time he thinks that.

"Whatever." Sebastian shrugs and wrinkles his lips ironically. "I'll wait for you. And, well, if you don't come I guess I'll just have to think you aren't able to resist me. _Sorry_."

He spills the last word out sarcastically and turns on himself, walking away from Kurt without adding a word more.

Kurt finds it ridiculous that a thirty year old man has practically just acted like a ten year kid, and he finds himself sighing at the ceiling. Sebastian's weird; there's this sort of thing he has that confuses Kurt. Otherwise, he'd think Sebastian's just a flirty, nasty, older bitch, but it's not that it. He doesn't know if this is about the books they've mentioned in the library or about something that hides behind Sebastian's eyes, but it makes him shiver.

He won't tell Sebastian, that's for sure, but when he walks into the ballroom, ready for his lesson with Cassandra July, Kurt's legs are shaking.

/

During the entire afternoon, Kurt managed to avoid Sebastian.

Even though he knows that Mr. Smythe- or whatever he's supposed to call him- is right about the fact that he's the librarian and Kurt couldn't avoid him forever, he hadn't felt like going there at 5 o'clock. It's like there's a part of him that clearly _fears_ what Sebastian might do. He hasn't stopped thinking about it for a second.

"Kurt?" Blaine's voice calls him as the four of them are sitting at a coffee shop nearby NYADA.

The voice makes him startle with guilt, and Kurt wants to know _why_ he feels guilty since he hasn't done anything but push Sebastian back this whole time. Nothing more or less than that. Maybe this is somehow about the shivers and the way his stomach flips around Mr. Smythe, or the _knowledge_ that he probably wants more from him if his blown pupils can be considered a proof for that.

"I'm sorry, I keep blacking-out." He sighs and lowers his gaze, sitting opposite to Blaine and Rachel, beside Adam. They're all looking at him, he can feel their eyes on himself.

"What's going on?" Rachel asks fondly, putting her forearms on the small coffee table as she looks at Kurt with worry in her eyes.

Kurt looks back at her and swallows, wondering if this isn't just the time for an honesty hour. In the end, he hasn't done anything wrong, so maybe all he has to do is talk about how Sebastian _has_ been and then his friends and boyfriend would understand. There would actually be no reason for Blaine to be mad at him, is there?

"Just … things are getting a little tense at NYADA," he says, sighing and looking down for a few seconds. He's got it on the tip of his tongue; all he has to do is talking about it out loud. "You know, ordinary schedules, plus dozens of new books I can't find at the library because there are too many shelves."

He has no idea why he's doing this.

There's nothing wrong with telling your friends there's a freaking thirty year old man, eventually his teacher, hitting on him.

"Do you want help with that?" Adam asks smiling, and Kurt doesn't even look up to see it. He already knows Blaine's stiffening in his chair like he does every time Kurt and Adam share a conversation. "I know the library better."

Kurt turns to him, considering it.

Although he knows that Blaine doesn't really like when he and Adam spend too much time together alone, he also knows that this might be a precious opportunity; if he does go there with somebody, another boy, Sebastian's probably going to act like everything's normal, isn't he? Besides, he's the librarian, so it's not like he can flirt with any guy who enters the library (the thought of it makes Kurt wince at the idea that Sebastian might have chosen _him_ as guy to flirt with).

"Yeah, that would be cool," he says and smiles at Adam, feeling a little overwhelmed. "I went there on Wednesday and I couldn't find anything I was searching for."

"The new librarian is weird," Adam adds suddenly, and Kurt gasps fast. "I still haven't got what kind of guy he is."

"You really don't wanna hook up with him, don't you?" Blaine asks, blinking over his puppy eyes and Adam laughs.

"Of course not. He's like almost ten years older than us," he says, and it's like he gets that Blaine dislikes him still.

"I haven't seen him yet," Rachel considers, wondering eyes rolling to the ceiling. "I'm curious though, because I've heard everybody buzzing about it."

Kurt stiffens uncomfortably in his seat, breathing in and out as he tries not to get lost into some sort of weird flashback about what happened in the library last Wednesday. Crap, it feels like they're talking about him too, like the fact that Sebastian is ten years older should make him feel guilty about something he hasn't done.

"Whatever, it's just that the gossip is been down lately," Kurt tries to change the topic, or least tries not to talk about this creepy age difference, "so the new librarian is like the coolest thing students can talk about. Poor NYADA."

"Don't be like that," Adam says, and he hits his shoulder playfully.

"No, it's true," Kurt replies, "And even if it weren't, I still think it's silly to talk about the librarian."

"What if he is hot?" Rachel asks and shrugs slightly. "Maybe everyone's talking about him because he's a tall, tanned, gorgeous guy with light eyes and charming smile."

Kurt stiffens and winces all at once, his voice sounding high pitched as he speaks.

"I bet he's not."

"Kurt, what's wrong with that?" Blaine asks, and Rachel's looking at him too like she's wondering about it. "I mean, you look tense, and we're just having some gossip here. It's what we usually do."

Kurt breathes in and looks down at the clock for a second; it's 4:45 pm.

What's he supposed to do?

This morning, Sebastian told him to come to the library, and Kurt partly still doesn't feel like it. But then, no matter how childish he wants to play it, there's still some books he needs for his extra exam and going to another library would just be a bore. Actually, right now, going there's a good excuse to sneak away from this conversation.

"I'm just tired," he answers, shrugging and looking back at the three people sitting at his table. "Gossip bores me when I'm tired."

He feels uncomfortable at the idea of talking about Sebastian with his friends. They don't know about him, they don't know about the closeness between them in the library, nor about the way Sebastian pursued him along the hallway this morning. And still, Kurt feels like they know because he's never been good at hiding things from his friends and boyfriend. So he's just going to escape the conversation until the topic doesn't sound interesting anymore.

"Gossip _never_ bores you." Rachel looks at him, shocked.

"Yeah, well, it does today." Kurt forces a smile at her as he starts gathering his things. "I'm going to go now. I've got a few things to do."

He doesn't give them the time to answer, mostly because he's afraid of seeing their confused expressions. He stands up fast and just walks over the cafeteria, his heart fastening in hammering beats as he realizes that if his friends were suspecting anything before, they surely do now. _Congratulations, Kurt Hummel_, he thinks to himself as he rolls his eyes and walks out of the building.

It's a sunny day, weirdly. It's not hot, but there's a lot of light and a fresh blowing wind instead.

For a few seconds, Kurt just walks slowly on the way to the library, trying to calm down and not even think about where he's going. In the end, Sebastian's just a stranger. He can't really let a stranger have such an influence on him. Being hit on by a man in his thirties can be creepy, but it can't stop him from living his ordinary life. Not even if he the man is handsome and nasty and attractive and _whatever_.

When he reaches the library, he hasn't managed to feel better about this anyway, so he's just breathing in and out in front on the main entrance, probably looking ridiculously crazy to anyone who's walking by the building.

While the idea hits him – the fact that there are actually people walking around the campus and that his friends might see him, too – he just moves to go inside before the situation gets too hard to stand. He can take care of Sebastian without telling his friends. Talking about what happened would just make things more complicated for both of them, so he's going to deal with Sebastian alone.

He enters the library and immediately notices that there a few students sitting on the sofas and at the tables. It makes him feel better because he knows that eventually he's not going to be the only one in there like last time.

He passes through them, walking and breathing fast in time as he spots the B section between the shelves. All he has to do is get there, take the book and walk to the register to sign. If he's lucky enough, Mr. Smythe won't even be there, so he'll just sneak out fast and won't meet him – _oh God_, it sounds so good to Kurt that he really hopes that's what's going to happen.

But he can't be _that_ lucky, of course.

As soon as he turns at the corner where the shelves are, he feels himself being tugged and almost yells. He _would_ yell if he didn't have a hand pressed on his mouth and his back aligned to someone's chest. Panic starts immediately filling him as he can't see the person who's standing behind him, but then he starts to slowly recognize the familiar smell of cologne. Well, he has no idea why, but it calms him that it's just Sebastian. It's better than a killer, right?

"Hummel," a choked, low whisper comes out of his mouth and Kurt stops fighting.

His heart's beating fast, but at least he knows he's just that jerk. The awkwardness he feels when he realizes that he's relieved that it's a thirty year old man blocking him makes him feel a little sick though.

He tries to reply but his mouth is muffed by Sebastian's hand, and, once again, the only thing Kurt would wants is just to disappear.

"Just be quiet now, okay?" Sebastian murmurs, and his low voice brushes Kurt's ear _so good_ that Kurt's shivering unwillingly. "I want to give you something, but you have to make sure no one hears or sees us ..."

Kurt rolls his eyes because he's the one who's making a scene. If he would have just stopped him normally, no one would notice and they would have thought it was just about books and the library. This is the realization that makes Kurt startle against Sebastian's fingers, because the fact that the librarian- whose ten years older than him- wants to give him something is unpleasant.

He nods though, and like he'd thought, Sebastian lets go of his mouth which is amazing because Kurt can breathe again without using his nostrils. He turns slowly towards Sebastian, already crossing his arms to his chest and lifting an eyebrow.

"Wow, pretty face, you're being judgmental again," he says shrugging lightly before Kurt can speak. "You don't even know what this is about yet."

Kurt sighs and rolls his eyes again, this time staring for a few seconds at ceiling. These seconds are what he needs for his heart to go back to normality and stop hammering so fucking strong. He doesn't manage to achieve that, but at least he knows that he now looks calmer to Sebastian's eyes, which is good. He doesn't want to give this jerk an opportunity to think he has some sort of effect on him- even though he does.

"Look, Mr. Smythe," he begins, staying away from him as Sebastian leans his back against the shelves, "I thought you said I had a gay face. What is it with cute part today?" he asks lowly so that no one can hear.

He hopes Sebastian takes this as a signal, that it'll make him understand what he's doing is wrong. Hitting on a student is _always_ wrong.

Instead, the only thing he sees on Sebastian's face has nothing to do with regret or apologies; he just smirks, and Kurt notices that his eyes are shining happily. Now that he's mistakenly taking a few seconds to admire him though – which is wrong and inappropriate, but Kurt just can't help it – Sebastian looks _stunning_.

He's wearing a light blue polo that leaves his thin yet muscled arms and the apparently tanned skin of his neck uncovered. His chest too looks particularly gorgeous underneath the soft material, and Kurt really doesn't want to see what's beneath it. When he lowers his gaze further, he can't explore his body anymore because he gets distracted.

Sebastian's now holding both of his hands behind his back and from the way he's hiding them, Kurt knows he truly has something for him. He hopes this isn't him being mean and throwing water on his clothes or something like that.

"I wanted to give you this," Sebastian says, like he's realized that Kurt's already seen it so there's no need to hide it any longer. He leans his right hand to him, offering a book.

Kurt doesn't even look at it because he's just focusing into Sebastian's eyes that are staring back. It's so strange that their gazes seem to exchange energy every time. Kurt's sure something like this has never happened to him before, to find a person with whom he had a natural bitching chemistry.

He moves his hand further and takes what he supposes to be _Les Fleurs Du Mal_, but Sebastian doesn't leave the book and makes him wince. For a few seconds, Kurt curses the fact that he's being so childish. He went there for the book and that's all he wants, but then, when Sebastian's fingers only wrap more firmly around the cover, Kurt finally looks down.

His eyes go wide open when he notices the book.

"Hmm …" he comments, blushing, feeling now like a new wave of emotions is washing over him. His heart's fastening again, hammering a terrifying tempo which includes a mixture of surprise and fear while his eyes study the cover of Bécquer's book in Spanish. "I-I …"

"You don't have to thank me," Sebastian says, sounding disgustingly lame and dirty, but Kurt can't keep his eyes off the book. "I had it for years, and since you're the only teenager I've ever met who knows Bécquer …"

For a minute, Kurt's just horrified at how sick the word teenager sounds from Sebastian's mouth, like _he knows_ what he's doing, how old Kurt is, like he's well aware of this all. Then, his mind focuses on the first part of the sentence and he looks up in shock. Sebastian's eyes are still glooming, but he looks relaxed and just fine.

How can he look fine with what he's just done?

"Did you … did you bring me a book of yours?" Kurt asks, wincing, unable to just understand what the fuck goes through this man's mind. "You're the librarian …" he complains lowly as his fingers awkwardly tighten around the book and he pulls it until it slips away from Sebastian's fingers and is pressed against his chest instead.

For some reasons, Kurt realizes that he shouldn't take it. He should have left this book in Sebastian's hands. So why is it pressed against his chest so closely?

"Jeez, calm down. This is _intellectual_, not personal," Sebastian explains nonchalantly. "Although your gay face and voice annoy me a lot, I have to admit that I've been thinking about our little conversation in the last few days." Kurt steps back subconsciously, his heart beating faster than it should. "I've been … thinking about you."

"You shouldn't have," Kurt answers immediately, like he doesn't even want to give Sebastian an actual chance to explain.

Obviously, Sebastian doesn't give a shit about what Kurt wants. Kurt should have known.

"Don't flatter yourself, babe." He shrugs so easily Kurt just wants to slap him like he wanted to days ago when he met him. But then again, what he wants doesn't seem to matter here. "I was just thinking about how much of a literature geek you seem to be. I think it's cute, and, well … since no one sells it here, I thought you wanted to read Las Rrrrrimas," he imitates a Spanish accent awkwardly, "in Spanish."

"_Oh_."

That hits him and it's the only way Kurt can actually answer. His mind slowly processes what Sebastian's said and Kurt gazes at him while Sebastian chews his lower lip, looking so slightly hesitant, like he didn't want to mean it the way he did. But he doesn't take it back, which is weird, because Sebastian seems to be exactly the kind of person who would take it back when he feels like he has to without making too much fuss about it.

And yet, Kurt doesn't know anything about him, so maybe he should just stop imagining how he is, the way he acts.

"Hmm …" he murmurs, breathing harshly, now thankful to his body since it's put a certain distance between them before he could do it consciously. "Thanks … I suppose? I c-came here for …"

_Fuck_, not the stuttering.

This is the worst time ever to stutter.

It's like every word he stumbles onto just makes it clear to Sebastian that his beating heart's following the rhythm and the tempo of his stuttering.

"Yeah, you suppose," Sebastian ironically comments, and then his smirks back again and Kurt's so fucking thankful. "Well, I guess you should just take your Baudelaire and leave before you want to do something you might regret."

"I don't want to do anything," Kurt answers fast and as flat as he can, watching as Sebastian takes a step towards him.

Once again, just like the first time, Kurt finds himself with his back pressed against the bookshelves. He stopped worrying about his heartbeat. He just can't control it and can't do anything about it, so why bother? He knows it's just anxiety. It's not like his heart's beating for someone who isn't Blaine. Sebastian just puts too much pressure on him and Kurt's sure that he doesn't do it with other students, and not because he feels exclusive, but because Sebastian seems to enjoy making him uncomfortable.

Also, he said that he was impressed with Kurt knowing so much about European literature, so maybe … there's a slight chance that Sebastian _likes_ this about him. The fact that he might like something about him is creepier than everything he's already thought.

Sebastian puts his hand on the shelf beside Kurt's ear and Kurt's already complaining when Sebastian's eyes gaze quickly at his lips. It's fast, but Kurt noticed. Nothing's going to happen, right? It's not like Sebastian wants to risk his job just to kiss a student who likes reading Wilde and Bécquer, is it?

"For now," Sebastian says, and Kurt has to make some efforts to remember the question as Sebastian's chest is almost touching his. "But what if you start wanting, huh?" he asks, his cologne filling Kurt's nostrils and his breath leaning on his lips. "You're a little intellectual rebel bitch. I like that about you."

"We … you shouldn't be so close to me," he says, trying to scare him somehow, but Sebastian looks so damn conscious. "Someone might see us."

The four words sound particularly nasty as Kurt whispers them, looking straight into Sebastian's eyes. He doesn't mean it like that, but it already sounds like an affair, which isn't going to happen. Not with the thirty year old librarian of his college, nor anyone else.

"I know." Sebastian trails back, and, for a second, Kurt thinks he's seen him sigh. He can't be sure about it though. "That's why you should leave."

This time his voice sounds so unbelievably serious that Kurt's almost relieved; he looks like a responsible human being. Obviously only because Kurt refuses to focus on the words and actually ask "_Why should I leave? What would happen if I don't_?" since the possible answers scare him to death.

"Yeah, I'll just …" he says, and when Sebastian's hand is finally completely away from the shelves, he adds, "I'll just take the book."

He has no idea why he's saying it, but he just shifts from the position and moves to reach the next shelf, just where the book was yesterday. He takes it while he's hanging on his toes and his legs shake because he can perfectly feel Sebastian's eyes on his body. He tries not to pay any attention to it. He feels like ignoring him is a good way out.

He turns towards Sebastian again, two books in hands now, and finally there's that sort of embarrassment that was supposed to hang between them long before. They look at each other silently, so much that Kurt thinks that the beating of his heart can now be heard filling the room. Their gaze doesn't interrupt for a few minutes almost, and then Sebastian's speaking again.

"You better go," he says, shrugging lightly, like nothing happened. Kurt can see that's not the case.

At least knowing that Sebastian is at least a little shaken makes him feel more relaxed. Maybe he's realizing that hitting on a student is wrong, finally.

"I agree," he says, his voice sounding newly high and steady. Finally, his heartbeat is going back to normal, too. "Thanks for huh … the books, Mr. Smythe." He raises them awkwardly, and for a second Sebastian smiles at his clumsiness, but then he goes back to a steady face, and Kurt seriously can't understand what goes into the man's mind.

"See you soon, though," Sebastian says eventually, shrugging lightly. "The lessons start tomorrow."

And here it comes again.

Kurt's completely frozen with fear at the idea that Sebastian might have something to do with his extra exam. He doesn't know what's creepier; Sebastian becoming his teacher, Sebastian pressing him into the shelves or Sebastian giving him a book of his own collection because Kurt's apparently the only teenager in the United States who actually knows who Bécquer is.

He's scared at the thought of asking though. Giving voice to these thoughts would make him look weak and exposed, like he has something to hide, too. He still hasn't forgot how much of an asshole Sebastian was when they met, and the fact that he's smiling practically means that he's going to make fun of him again if Kurt gives him the chance to.

And yet, not asking means not knowing, and he isn't ready to step into a room full of students tomorrow without knowing if Sebastian's going to be there. Knowing it would at least give him a chance to feel more ready.

So he does ask.

"Yeah huh … am I supposed to see you there?" he voices, but he sighs and looks down, unable to look straight into his eyes. His cheeks turn red because hell, it looks like they're deciding where they're going to meet and Kurt so doesn't want it to look like this. "I mean … not to see you, huh, are you going to be there?"

Sebastian shrugs again, God, he looks so at ease right now that Kurt envies him.

"I don't know," he says, and Kurt doesn't believe him.

He probably just wants to make him more nervous like this.

"I don't believe you," he says before he can stop it.

"That's not really my problem, cutie." Sebastian smirks and he's back to being the idiot Kurt met.

"It should be," Kurt answers directly. It's getting frustrating and Sebastian better know that Kurt won't assume any responsibility in what _he_ does. "If you're a teacher, it's practically illegal for you to give me personal stuff, to press me into the shelves or to touch me to make me shut up."

It's out before he can stop, but maybe he doesn't want to stop it. His cheeks are now burning and he's tightening the hold onto the books, pressing them even more against his chest. Of all the handsome gay guys in NYADA, why is he the one into this?

Sebastian just looks at him for a few seconds, his smirk dropping at the words. It's like he's trying to play some game with himself, not to think about what he does when he acts like Kurt's just described, and now that Kurt's said it out loud, he can't escape it anymore.

It's probably just Kurt's imagination, because a second later he's smirking again.

"I guess you should report that to someone then, Hummel."

His eyes look challenging, but Kurt can't be sure about it. He wants to walk away, but his feet are momentarily unable to move because he's considering what would happen if he reported Sebastian for his behaviour towards him. He hates that he doesn't manage to denounce when he should. It's like he worries more about what could happen to a man who works, who has a wage and probably needs it, than he does about himself and the idea of being inappropriate with a teacher.

Kurt's lips are slightly parted, but nothing comes out of them.

Right now, he's just staring at Sebastian, wanting nothing but to go away and forget about this afternoon, just like he wants to forget about when he met him and that he has actually met him.

"As I thought," Sebastian says and gives him an ironic half-bow. "See you around, Kurt. Read the book."

He winks, but Kurt's just frozen there and he keeps his eyes locked at where Sebastian was standing without even looking as he walks away.

He swallows to himself.

Even if Sebastian's actually brought him something personal, this doesn't mean he's having an affair with the librarian. It just means that the Librarian's flirting with him and he's fighting him back. He's doing nothing wrong.

He presses his fingertips on the book, and, for a second, he looks down to stare at the cover of _Les Fleurs Du Mal_. He's suddenly happy that Baudelaire is covering the other book to his sight, because he doesn't feel like looking at it.

When his body moves again, he walks around the hallways in the library to get out.

His legs still feel weak with nerves, but he tries not to show it as he walks by a group of silent students.

When he's finally out of the building he realizes he was keeping his breath, so the air filling his lungs is sort of a relief. He walks around the campus, still unsure about what he's supposed to do.

Should he search for the guys and go back to their apartment together?

If he does now, will they notice how nervous he is?

Will they make questions about the book?

He realizes that he's probably exaggerating. Rachel and Blaine won't even know who Becquér is, and probably the same goes for Adam. They wouldn't know that it's practically impossible to find _Las Rimas_ in Spanish, so it wouldn't look like the rare piece it is to their eyes.

Yes, maybe he should just go and look for them.

He's sure that his friends are going to keep his mind occupied with something that isn't Sebastian's smirk or his cologne.

It's going to work as a strategy eventually, because he won't think about Sebastian anymore during the day. But still, when he's going to go home and lay on his bed, beside Blaine, pulling out the book in curiosity, his brain will automatically go to Sebastian again, see the pencil notes the librarian has clearly left for him. At least some of them.

Kurt doesn't know this yet as he wanders around NYADA and calms down, totally unaware about the hell he'll go through during the next months.


	3. Chapter 2

**A/N:** Hello!

So, this update is a little longer, hope you don't mind!

Thanks to anybody who would follow/favorite this or review it and especially thanks to those of you who already did. Your comments are sweet and lovely and help me a lot through the writing and the directions and details I might add as a consequence of your opinions.

Just don't hate on my baby Blainers v.v I still love him not matter how much I dislike Klaine and love other ship v.v

Hope you like the chapter!

**Beta: **CaramelApple74, who is not only a wonderful beta, but she also supports me and motivates me when I'm not sure about something!

/

**Chapter 2**

It's later on the same Monday night when Kurt, Rachel and Blaine are laughing and joking at the table of their apartment. Apparently Adam has better things to do tonight, so it's just the three of them discussing how sexy Cassandra July thought she was in class that afternoon (Kurt sincerely thinks she was, but he's well aware of how bad Rachel reacts every time he's got some compliments for Cassandra so he decides to keep it from himself).

Most of the emotional stress of the day has now washed over and Kurt can finally feel light and at ease again, like one is supposed to be in his own home.

He's peeling his fresh apple – once chocolate has finally been forgotten, he's back to his lovely diet – when Blaine, sitting beside him, turns to him abruptly, like he's suddenly remembered something.

"Hey Kurt! Your French literature program starts tomorrow!" His happy voice sounds wonderfully enthusiastic. It seems like Blaine's more anxious to begin than Kurt himself is. Mostly, he knows the main reason for that.

The knife is still hanging between the fruit and his fingers as he stares at Blaine with his eyes wide open. Of course, Blaine has no idea what he's just done, so he's pretty surprised by his reaction. Kurt's not going to mention Sebastian anyway, and Blaine didn't do this on purpose because he clearly doesn't know anything about their library casual meetings. No one knows it and no one has to know (already sounds like something illegal, even though Kurt hasn't done anything and is not going to do anything either).

"Did I say something wrong?" Blaine asked, wearing his irresistible puppy eyes involuntarily.

Kurt can also feel Rachel's eyes on him but he keeps looking at Blaine.

"No," he says eventually, sighing and going back to peel his apple, "of course not. I just had a rough day and just mentioning NYADA again made me freak out almost. The schedules are already hard. I can only imagine how this is going to be with extra lessons added."

"Yeah, but you wanted this." Rachel shrugs, sitting opposite to them with her arms on the table. "You could have waited next year, like me and Blaine chose to do. Really, Kurt, if you're too stressed, you should consider changing your exams."

"Yeah, maybe I should consider the hypothesis," Kurt murmurs and finally his apple is completely peeled. This has nothing to do with his stress. He considers the fact that maybe, if he waits a year, Sebastian won't be there for sure. "I don't know, guess I should see how the lessons work first."

"That's probably a good idea," Blaine comments, now less convinced and enthusiastic than he was before.

Kurt almost feels guilty for having made that happy spontaneous expression disappear from his face. Blaine always looks so good when he's happy as a puppy, he's just adorable and Kurt can't help but love it.

The rest of the conversation soothes when Rachel goes back to bitching about Cassandra, which is something she can't avoid anymore.

Then time passes fast and Kurt doesn't even realize it until he notices that it's 23:04. Usually, he wouldn't mind spending some other time talking, but there's a fair chance that tomorrow's going to be a very stressful day, so he should get some sleep. There's also a good chance that he's going to have a heart attack as soon as he walks into the class, but he tries not to think about it too much. If he does, he might not sleep at all, which is no good at all, not today.

"Guess I'm going to sleep," he says, yawning with a hand to cover his mouth.

"That's a good idea. I really don't want Cassie to mock me and say that I look even more awful than usual." Rachel sighs and really, she can't think about anything else.

Kurt doesn't feel like blaming her now though. He's been there. He knows what it's like when something really unpleasant happens between you and a teacher. Internally, he understands Rachel, but the only thing he actually does is sigh and roll his eyes, like he's bored about it (there's also a part of him who doesn't want Rachel to talk about Cassandra only because it reminds him of what might happen tomorrow as he's trying not to think about it).

"I'll watch some tv and I'll follow you." Blaine fondly smiles at both of them as they stand up.

Kurt shifts and leans over to press a soft kiss on his lips, both of them closing their eyes and Blaine smiling into the contact between their mouths. It moves into Kurt a light sense of ordinary happiness. It's the Blaine happiness he's used to feel. He _loves it_, loves the way Blaine's able to make him feel happy with so little and still protected. It's like he never needs to risk in order to gain some contentment: it's always there and all he has to do is enjoy it.

"Goodnight" Kurt murmurs on his mouth, and Blaine blinks his sparkling eyes.

"Goodnight to you …" he whispers lowly and Rachel sighs out loud again.

"Look, I get it. I'm an adult too, indeed. I'm older than you, Blaine," she says and shrugs, "there's no need to be subtle about it, I know you're having sex here."

Kurt and Blaine both laugh and Rachel just shakes her head.

"Just … keep it down! I'm a busy, talented woman who needs her sleep!" she yells and then walks away at her usual fast pace.

As soon as Rachel walks away, Kurt pats Blaine's shoulder and does too. He walks to their room, hearing Blaine's steps as he walks to the sofa for his TV night shows he can't miss.

When he's inside his room and closes the door behind his back, he breathes in harshly, one long blow.

He's tried so hard not to think about Sebastian and the eventuality that Sebastian might be there all night, but now he's stuck in his bedroom, all alone, and the book Sebastian has given him is right there, under the bed where he'd hidden it. He doesn't know why he did that though. No one would know it's from Sebastian, so the fact that he hid it must mean that he feels dirty and corrupted about something. Maybe he isn't as innocent as he thinks he is.

After he's managed to make his breath regular and normal again, he starts stepping towards the bed, trying not to mind the chaos Blaine left around this morning.

When he's reached for the bed he bends on his knees, his heart surprisingly beating as fast as it always does when Sebastian's around – this is so awkward and _wrong_, and yet he isn't able to stop it – until he's able to slip his hand under the bed and brush the cover of the book with his fingertips. He can almost feel Sebastian's diabolic energy spilling out the book.

He licks his upper lip, sucking it into his own mouth as he thinks. Opening the book would be like admitting to himself that he appreciated the gift. Admitting it to himself practically means admitting it to Sebastian, because somehow the man seems capable of reading into his mind, eyes and everything he does. It's something he isn't supposed to do, but at the same time, he kind of always wanted to read these poems in the original language.

God, if he hadn't indirectly told Sebastian his literary tastes he probably wouldn't be in this situation.

He's given Sebastian … uhm, Mr. Smythe, a good way to use his weaknesses against him. Kurt just _can't_ resist such a lovely romantic rare book of poems in Spanish.

He tugs at it, takes it into his hands and out of the bed until it's firmly out of the darkness under his and Blaine's bed.

He passes his thumb over the cover now, biting his lower lips as his fingertips slowly move along the lines of the L, then A and S.

He looks at the door for a few moments, almost like he is afraid that someone might walk in now and find him with a book. Except that Blaine spends at least half an hour in front of the TV every night and plus, there wouldn't be anything wrong with that. They would think it's just a book. It's not like he's having an affair with it (but again, Rachel thought he might have an affair with a chocolate ice-cream, so it wouldn't surprise him if he was accused of cheating by her).

When he's reassured that no one will walk in now, he lets the book fall on his side of the bed and takes his time to strip himself of the home clothes and wear his precious pajamas instead.

He turns on the lamp on the bedside table and turns off the main one before he slides into the bed, the book shifting softly over the sheets and covers as he moves. Eventually, he lifts the pillow against the wall behind him until he's arched and can put it into his fingers.

At first, he doesn't manage to do anything but brush his thumb over the cover. He lifts it gently until it's under his nose and he smells it stupidly. He swears the book smells like Sebastian's cologne. That jerk wears so much of it that everything he touches smells like it. He wonders if his clothes have come to smell like Sebastian's cologne and like Sebastian. He wonders if Blaine's noticed during the past days, if he thinks Kurt's cheating on him or something. He's probably just getting paranoiac.

His fingertip slides just one last time over the cover and then he finally opens the book.

He looks barely at the Gustavo Adolfo Bécquer, Las Rimas line with all the titles and stuff because his eyes immediately fly lower, where something has clearly been written recently. He gasps when he realizes that recently means in the last days though.

He lets his eyes slide along the words as he reads them in his mind.

_I hope you enjoy it._

_I thought I could share this with someone who knew Bécquer and his endless talent. You've got the word romantic printed on your gay face and a sparkle of lovely optimism in your blue eyes. Well, I don't know what the latter might have to do with Bécquer, but still … I spent some time reading these poems again and I underlined all the words and lines that made me think of when I met you, when I talk to you or when I touch you._

_See you soon, Hummel :)_

_Ps. You might want to delete this before someone finds it and thinks you have an affair with me. You might want to delete it before it becomes true ;) – SS_

Kurt feels his stomach twitch, the clutching sensation of guilt invading him again. He lets Sebastian's sureness wave over him so much that he feels unsure as a consequence. He doesn't have to though, Kurt's been so sure about himself in the last two years after high school that it's sick that he lets this unknown librarian take over him.

And yet, he's reading the words again and again, stopping several times between the "made me think of when I met you, when I talk to you" part and the "before it becomes true" one. It's so weird that he can't get into Sebastian's mind long enough to understand where this is going to. He's almost ten years older than he is and then he's playing with him like this even though it might compromise his job and eventually a reputation – if he cares to build one since he's new.

What's he up to?

Does he really think that making fun of him is worth risking his job?

He hears the knock on the door and startles, suddenly realizing he spent the last thirty minutes or so reading back the words Sebastian's written, not even starting with the first poem. He throws the book under the bed just in time, so that Blaine doesn't see it now that he's entering the room.

"Hey." Blaine smiles and Kurt does too, hoping it doesn't look as awkward as he feels.

"Hey," he says as he watches his boyfriend step towards the bed, already wearing his homesuit.

For some reasons Kurt can't explain, he feels like panicking. He knows Blaine won't see the book because he doesn't analyze Kurt's spaces, he trusts him. But he's afraid, so afraid that someone might read what Sebastian wrote him. _Fuck_, what was going exactly to that idiot's mind when he did? He underlined lines and words in this book that made him think of _Kurt_. This is so wrong.

"You … you weren't reading like usual? You look …" Blaine stops and arches his eyebrows, giggling lightly and adorably and in _love_ as he always looks. "You look like you were doing nothing but staring at your legs."

"Oh," Kurt says automatically, and then he forces a smile again. "I was-I'm-_uh_ I'm kind of nervous for tomorrow, I just … I w-was just thinking and I didn't realize time was passing."

"Oh, you're so adorable when you're nervous!" Blaine comments and Kurt blushes, being thankful that Blaine thought that he was stuttering because he's nervous about the lessons. "You should really get some sleep, Kurt. I bet you're going to wake up shiny and look gorgeous and prepared at your first lesson."

"I hope so." Kurt smiles nervously as he sinks down into the mattress, his head finally resting on the pillow and his eyes looking at the ceiling.

He doesn't want to look gorgeous if Sebastian's there.

Not after what he read.

Blaine shifts under the sheets to and leans to kiss him softly under his mouth with a lovely smile still printed on his charming face.

"Goodnight, Kurt," he whispers, and Kurt turns his head to press a kiss on his mouth.

"Goodnight, Blaine," he says, and this time his smile's more natural. He can't help but smile at Blaine. It's always been impossible not to smile at him. "Thank you."

Blaine just smiles and closes his eyes, his cheek pressed against the pillow and his eyelashes looking gorgeous on his face. Kurt gets a little lost in the sight and the sensation that it moves inside him. As he thinks about the book under his bed, hoping that tomorrow he's going to be strong enough to remember the amazing way Blaine looks right now, so that he can stop feeling his heart beat so damn much when Sebastian's there instead.

/

The first hour of lessons feels like hell.

The teacher's surprisingly boring enough to have Kurt not care about things he has always loves, and no matter how hard he tries to focus, he can't really concentrate on what the teacher's saying. As if it weren't enough for him to be just boring he's also from Quebec, so his accent's awkwardly different from the kind of French Kurt studied in high school. It's really hard for him to understand and he just can't help but wonder why he isn't just explaining literature in English already? His name's Hunter Clarington, or something like that.

He's sitting in the first line, so he can't even yawn at how boring this is (and the teacher's just introducing the subject, so Kurt can't really imagine how it's going to be with _real_ lessons).

As soon as he starts listing the books they're supposed to buy and read, Kurt pulls out his pencil, writing them down and hoping he understood everything he's saying. Luckily, it seems like he already bought most of the books – his heart giving a double throb when he hears Mr. Clarington mentioning _Les Fleurs Du Mal_, sadistically reminding him of the day last week when Mr. Smythe pressed him into the bookshelves, his breath on Kurt's lips, his cologne filling his nostrils, his piercing eyes and his arrogance … -, so there's really a small chance of getting the wrong ones among those which remain.

It's just when he starts hearing murmurs filling the enormous class that he turns towards the entrance of the room which is far away from him.

All the students in the class turn and Kurt has the sensation someone is walking in.

When his eyes manage to gaze briefly at Sebastian who's walking through the rows, his stomach tightens uncomfortably and his heart starts beating fast. His mind tries to focus on Blaine's face from last night but _crap_, he can't. This is _Sebastian Smythe_, the man who hit on him in the library, who works as a librarian here at NYADA and who gave him a book with a dedication on it.

"_Well, hello to you Sebastian_," Mr. Clarington says in French as Sebastian steps beside him and the desk with a smirk on his face. "_You always make a good entrance, don't you_?"

"_I like having all the attention_," Sebastian answers, still in French, and God, he sounds so good when he speaks French.

When Sebastian's eyes wander around the room and he finds himself staring at Kurt, Kurt's not breathing anymore. He feels like he's going to pass out soon and all of this because his ridiculous librarian doesn't know how one is supposed to behave with students. He wants to scream and cry and hit him, but all he can actually do is stare back and he hopes so badly that no one else has noticed.

Sebastian's gaze eventually flies away after a minute and Kurt can breathe again. He doesn't manage to look around to check on the way people are looking at him. He knows that it's probably just him being too worried, but he can't help it. He's stuck into his chair with charming Mr. Smythe speaking French and looking at him any now and then. How is he supposed to be okay?

His accent is quite more enjoyable and good-sounding than Mr. Clarington's. When he finds the use of functions again, he's able to understand almost every single word. It's better now, even if he has no idea why Sebastian's there and Mr. Clarington doesn't look like he's going to explain it soon. He's just happy that he can finally understand something about which are going to be the writers he's supposed to study in the details.

When he speaks French, Sebastian doesn't change his voice, not even slightly – some people do when they speak other languages, and the moment it gets higher at some point makes Kurt realize that it's the same voice that's whispered into his ear in the library.

It's _hot_.

He would want to stop thinking now, but he can't.

It is inappropriate enough already for him to _think_ that something about Mr. Smythe is hot … the way his mind is dangerously passing over creeps him to death, he shouldn't allow it. But it's there one second later. It's a brief flash: he can imagine Sebastian whispering words in French into his ear this time. It's hot, it's forbidden and fantastic and Kurt closes his eyes for a second as he thinks to put into practice the same theory he used for ice-cream.

Fantasizing about Mr. Smythe (_Sebastian_, his mind can almost pronounce in a French accent) is _so_ forbidden and wrong that it's probably just the _wanting_ and impossibility to get that makes it charming. Kurt starts thinking that if he lets go a little, if he surrenders to the desire of imagining, than it's going to get boring.

It's like what Blaine told him about porn and masturbation. You can jerk off to the same porn for a limited number of times before it gets boring and doesn't excite you anymore. This is the feeling Kurt must be experiencing towards Sebastian too.

Sebastian's like chocolate ice-cream.

Sebastian's like porn.

Sebastian's just the taste of what's forbidden.

This is probably what makes his heart beat faster with excitement when he's around; this is why Kurt couldn't resist the temptation of opening that book yesterday. Having a book as a gift from an eventual teacher – he's not even sure Sebastian is his teacher now – is _forbidden_.

Imagining Sebastian now is _forbidden._

A tiny high-pitched voice – who sounds like Rachel Berry – suggests the words again: _if you lose your balance once, you're going to fall again and again. Everytime you see something you've been wanting for so long, something that's good and forbidden, you're just going to want more of it._

But Sebastian isn't something Kurt's been wanting for long. He isn't even sure that Sebastian's something he _wants_. He clearly doesn't. Blaine's everything he might want and Sebastian is just some college forbidden fantasy that tempts him with his charm.

So Kurt thinks that he might give it a try and make this over once and for all.

He gives up to this temptation for once. Just because it's not _touching_, not _kissing_, it's not having breathing close or looking at each other. It's just a fantasy and that's all is going to be until the end of his days. Right.

He closes his eyes completely then.

The set is the library, obviously.

_It's prettily warmed. The light's dimmed, it looks like some hour in the late afternoon. It would be lovely if it'd be later, after the library's been closed. Maybe it's Sunday, so there's no one there and Sebastian and Kurt are there. They're sitting on the floor._

_Sebastian's the one sitting with his back against the wall, his legs spread around Kurt's body and Kurt sitting between them with his back leaning close to Sebastian's chest. He thought this was going to be dirtier, but it's not. He has a book on his lap, he isn't sure which one, and Sebastian's flipping the pages as they read together._

_Kurt can feel the hotness and the comfort of his body. He's experienced in life being close to Mr. Smythe, being pressed together. So the fantasy is realer than he'd have thought. His chest feels solid and perfect under his pressure. Then, he feels Sebastian leaning his neck and his mouth ghosting over his earlobe. It's awesome and good, and Kurt can feel sparkles along his spine._

_When Sebastian speaks again though, it's lovely and __**safe**__._

_He would've expected it to be so much different, anything but safe. But Sebastian's warm, his voice his low and hoarse, and French sounds amazingly enchanting from his mouth. It makes Kurt giggle in the fantasy and the real Kurt is so curious to know what the fake them are giggling about. It looks so fantastic._

_When Sebastian leans again though, pressing a lovely kiss on the frame of his ear, _then Kurt startles, his eyes wide open.

This is too much.

The fact that he's gone over the French accent thing is scary. He just imagined Sebastian softly kissing him behind his ear. God, this is getting wrecked. He shouldn't picture this, he shouldn't want this. At the same time, he thinks that if he lets himself imagine a little more maybe it's going to be better. If he experiences a _complete_ Sebastian-fantasy – not sexual, of course; there's no need to get sexual – it's not going to be a forbidden fantasy anymore. It's just going to be boring and ordinary.

When he looks around, the lesson is over and everybody's leaving their seats. Kurt just stares at Sebastian and Hunter talking and then Sebastian turning to the class, getting the attention of the students before they leave definitely.

"Oh, just to be clear," he says, smirking around at the class and Kurt's relieved by the fact that he doesn't look at him only, "even though I've enchanted you with my awesome French, your teacher is still this idiot." He points and Hunter and the class laughs while Mr. Clarington winces.

"You know, Sebby, you could have attended the right college and you'd be teaching French literature," he mocks him and Sebastian just giggles (he sounds so _perfect_ when he's at ease with someone he knows). "I'm helping you realize your dreams just because I'm patient enough to be your friend …"

"Friend?" a student asks in a low imperceptible voice behind Kurt. "I bet they fuck like rabbits, just _look at them_."

Kurt can't keep it.

The way he turns.

His bitch glare must set fire to the face of the boy behind his back because Kurt feels a complete rush of pure senseless possessiveness towards Sebastian. He doesn't know where this comes from, but it's pure jealousy. He doesn't want anybody to think that Sebastian might have sex with someone else. Sebastian's expressed his interest in Kurt's ass, so he doesn't need to find it in someone that _isn't_ Kurt, right?

Fuck, he hates this.

He doesn't want to be the teacher's puppy (Sebastian's not his teacher though for what he understood from the lately speech).

"D-did I say something wrong?" the boy says, and the attention of the group of guys and girls around them is now ping-ponging between them.

"No," Kurt says flat and coldly, his heart starting to beat fast. He's acting stupid. He knows it and he can also feel Sebastian's eyes on his back. "I just think it's inappropriate to chat about your teachers' sex life like you knew something about it. It's incredibly rude and boring."

People are starting to talk around them and Kurt just wants to disappear.

He can see from the boy's face that his own eyes are pure ice and scare him because he doesn't even dare answering him. This is so wrong, the fact that he just defended Sebastian from an insult which he isn't even sure Sebastian isn't even offended from.

"I think this lesson is over," Mr. Clarington voices behind his back, and Kurt looks down at the pavement.

His heart's now exploding.

He has no idea why he's done it.

As soon as he feels his legs coming back to being strong and normal – this is such an enormous mess, the vision, Sebastian kissing his ear in a fantasy, his sudden unbelievable jealousy -, he walks away from the class. He doesn't look back at Sebastian, he _can't_; he doesn't even look back at the other students. He just needs to _escape_.

This day has been horrible until now.

Kurt wants to delete this day from the calendar of his life.

/

The afternoon is as bad as the day.

Kurt can feel that the emotional tiredness washing over him so much that it's making him incredibly nervous. He reacts badly to every word Rachel and Blaine say to him, and that's only because his mind is stuck on the French lesson and everything that happened.

He feels vulnerable and sick at the thought that Sebastian might teach other classes during the semester, and at the same time he needs to know _why_ that is. That stupid unknown student he hasn't even met before has driven him crazy with his superfluous comment. All Kurt can think of now is Mr. Clarington and Mr. Smythe getting tangled up on the desk right after they went away. For some reasons he doesn't know, he doesn't want to _know_, he hates being capable of imagining it so perfectly.

He's also developing a sudden nervous hate for Mr. Clarington because of this. He wants him as far as possible from Sebastian but knows he can't because even if they're just friends like they said, Kurt is no one to Sebastian to decide who he should or should not date. Sebastian might also get married, and … what if he is married? What if he's a cheater who enjoys flirting with his students and hides his ring every morning when he gets at the library?

Kurt wants to cry.

He feels like every one of his nerves is on fire and he's about to break out soon. When Blaine and Rachel walk towards him suspiciously, like they've realized something's wrong, Kurt cuts off them before they can speak, "Had a horrible day, the lesson was a mess."

"Oh my God, seriously?" Rachel asks in shock, with her mouth comically opened as always. Blaine looks surprised and disappointed too, like he knew Kurt was hoping he'd love the project.

He's right as always, because Kurt waited for this literature lesson for so long and with so much eagerness and now all has turned into hate and jealousy for his teacher because Kurt's starting to feel stupidly possessive and maybe attracted to the thirty year old librarian. He wants to scream in frustration.

"Maybe it's just the first lesson," he says, "it'll probably get better."

"How was it?" Blaine asks, sitting beside him on the couch. Rachel does the same on the other side, so that now they're surrounding him.

"Well, the lesson was just an introduction and I already knew the books so I sort of skipped the first part because the teacher's Canadian and he speaks French with a confusing accent and I don't understand a word he says," he spills out fast, rolling his eyes to the ceiling. "It was so frustrating and I _tried_, I tried so hard to focus but I got distracted in the middle of it and I'm afraid that it's just going to be like this all the time."

"Maybe it's just because you weren't interested in the first lesson," Blaine says, rubbing his thumb along Kurt's thigh. "I mean, it was just an introduction. That's probably why it didn't get your interest."

"Yeah, well, maybe …" Kurt lies fast.

It's not like he can mention the fact that he's been daydreaming about Sebastian kissing his ear. He feels a shiver just thinking about it. He can't feel a shiver, he _can't_ think about it. He can't. This is getting dangerous and hurting.

"Oh Kurt …" Rachel leans her head on his shoulders. "You made us worry. If this is about your lessons, maybe you should get some sleep. When's your next lesson?"

"On Thursday," he sighs. "I'm really looking forward to that," he says ironically, rolling his eyes.

"I'm free now," Rachel says as Blaine pouts because he isn't probably (maybe he just has to study or to meet someone from the study groups). "I think we should go out and get some marshmallows at the supermarket. Or popcorn, because we've got movie night tonight and they're over, you know."

"God no," Blaine complains, "this can't be happening. There's no chance we're having a movie night without any popcorn."

"Okay, Rach," Kurt says, turning to her with a smile on his face, "duty calls."

Not even twenty minutes later they're putting their jackets on and Kurt leans over Blaine – who's still sitting on the sofa – to kiss his lips softly and whispering lovely goodbyes on his gorgeous mouth. Going around with Rachel is already making him feel better.

They get out of the building soon, trying not to wander too long into their sidewalks too much. The zone's dangerous and they avoid spending too much time along the street. When the soft and not-so-heavy rays of the sun in the late afternoon hit his skin, he feels relieved and safer. His mind's now a little clearer, and he thinks that maybe he just needed some sun. His mind's now drifting towards the evening, the movie they're going to watch, cuddling on the sofa. It makes him feel lighter only to think of that.

When they get to the supermarket, he would expect his mind to feel completely free and light. And it works, for a few minutes, before they get inside. The air conditioning is good and relaxing and Kurt and Rachel are giggling over something he immediately forgets when they find themselves walking between cereals and breakfast stuff covering the shelves.

He freezes when his eyes capture Sebastian leaning over to reach the highest shelf – not that he needs it – to grab some natural, fat-free cereals. He knows Rachel's walking beside him, but he can't stop it: his heart starts hammering in his chest and now he's filled with shock for how good Sebastian looks.

His skin is tanned, more tanned than he remembered, but not too dark. His tongue's out of his lips for the effort and his body bent so that Kurt can see his shirt shift and the skin of his modeled and thin abdomen. His hair's more messed than usual, and this makes him notice that it's longer than he thought.

"Kurt?" Rachel asks and turns to him, grabbing his arm and tugging at it to get his attention. "Kurt, what's-?" She stops when she turns towards the point when Kurt is staring.

The fact that she called Kurt's name gets Sebastian's attention too, because he turns to them and looks surprised when he sees Kurt. He smirks immediately and if Kurt weren't with Rachel, he would walk to him and slap him right in the face. He spent the day feeling like crap because of him and his stupidly and ridiculously attractive Canadian friend, and the first thing Sebastian does is smirking at him. He knows that Sebastian has no idea about the flame of jealousy that rushed over him but _shit_, Kurt wants him to know all of a sudden, he wants Sebastian to tell him he's not dating anybody and not fucking around. He's so ridiculously romantic when all Sebastian's done until now is imply sex.

Well, not for the book …

He startles when he sees Sebastian walking towards them, naturally and nonchalantly.

"Kurt, who's this?" Rachel asks in a low voice, so that Sebastian can't hear her. "He's unfairly attractive but looks like an arrogant-"

"Hummel," Sebastian says before Kurt can answer her incomplete questions.

"Mr. Smythe," Kurt says flatly.

"Oh, is this your French teacher?" Rachel asks and leans a hand towards Sebastian. "So, so honored to meet you. I'm Rachel Barbra Berry, soon to become a Broadway-"

"I'm the librarian," Sebastian cuts her off, clearly annoyed by her voice, but shaking her hand briefly.

"Oh …" Rachel says, and then she startles like something's come up to her mind. Kurt suspects this is about the conversation they had about the librarian with Blaine and Adam, and the way Kurt acted during that. She looks at Kurt and breathes in like there's some sort of tension in the air. "I … I'm going to get some popcorn," she says, gesturing nervously and looking at Sebastian, "It's been good to meet you, sir."

She walks away fast and Kurt looks at her as she walks away, wondering why the hell she would do this, leaving him alone with the librarian. Sometimes he really can't understand what goes through her mind.

"So …" Sebastian gets his attention back on him. "How was I?" he asks, looking weirdly hopeful.

"You mean … if you did a good impression on my friend?" Kurt blinks in shock, but Sebastian laughs which makes him feel better.

"No, you silly," he says hoarsely from laughter which so good to Kurt's ears, "the French lesson. Did you forget it?"

Of course not.

How could he forget about his Clarington/Smythe visions?

"You were good," he says, trying to sound cold. He doesn't know if he makes it. "You were pretty decent, and your friend's not," he murmurs, can't help but sounding a little bitter. "I didn't understand a word Mr. Clarington said. He sounds like … I don't know, just, not French."

Sebastian giggles and Kurt blushes because he knows he's given Sebastian a chance to read into him with the bitterness of his tone.

"You know, I loved the show," Sebastian says happily, taking one step towards him so that now they're close. "I like it when boys get jealous and possessive. Nice bitching Kurt, I thought you were going to slap that guy in front of the class."

"_Sebastian_."

Sebastian stops because Kurt's voice sounds serious enough to make him. He looks at Kurt like he's trying to understand what's wrong about what he has said.

"Wh-"

"I can't do this," he says fast. He doesn't know why his heart's exploding with pain. He knows this is the right thing to do rationally, but it feels so hurtful and wrong. "I can't … I can't just take your gifts, can't … _look_ at you, I …"

Sebastian arches his eyebrows and opens his mouth to say something. It takes him a few seconds to actually do. "Look at me?" he asks, shrugging. "A lot of students look at me, you know. Girls and boys. I'm attractive."

"_Sebastian_," he calls him again and looks into his eyes, straight into them. "I had a fantasy about you."

"Lots of people do," Sebastian insists, but then he seems to realize. "Oh woah, you had a fantasy about me? Did I look good naked?"

"You _weren't_ naked," Kurt answers immediately, his cheeks and neck on fire. "It … it wasn't that sort of fantasy!"

Sebastian looks disappointed for a second, and seriously, Kurt would slap him right now if he didn't know he's ten years older than him and also, he didn't explain very well what he's feeling. He can't. He can't tell Sebastian about the way his heart hammers in his chest when he sees him. He can't tell him about how good the fantasy felt like. Maybe it's better if Sebastian just thinks it's some sort of erotic dream.

"It was … different, okay?" Kurt says and then sighs, looking down for a moment.

"You know, I was really thinking about you when I read the book," Sebastian says suddenly, and that makes something clench uncomfortably into Kurt's chest. They're looking at each other now, straight into the eyes. "Kurt, I … I know you think I'm an asshole with some sort of student kink-"

"You can't say asshole though," Kurt corrects, "you're the librarian. It's so inappropriate of you."

Sebastian giggles for a few seconds and Kurt _loves_ the sound of his laugh, but he can't look at him while speaking. So he just shifts, walking over to surpass him and starting to wander casually between the shelves of cereals. Like he has to buy some. He hasn't.

"It is," Sebastian confirms and Kurt hears him walking behind him. "But …" He hears his voice closer, but he just bends over his toe to reach for the Fitness cereals anyway, "I know it's what you think of me."

"Am I wrong?" Kurt asks and he wraps his fingers around the cereals.

"Not completely," Sebastian says, and when Kurt moves back with his feet on the ground and staggers backwards, he leans one strong, firm arm behind his back to hold him.

The pressure of Sebastian's hold on him is so comfortable and safe than Kurt hates the way it's making him feel. He turns his head and lifts his face to look at him while he bites his lower lip nervously, like he knows what they're doing is wrong, even more now that they're in a public place, where anyone might see them and recognize them.

"So you are," Kurt says eventually, swallowing as he's suddenly out of breath.

When did this happen? He thought he hated Sebastian from the moment he met him?

"What?" Sebastian asks, looking straight at Kurt, almost not blinking.

"An asshole," Kurt whispers without realizing he's just called the librarian of his college an asshole.

Sebastian laughs then and pulls his arm away from him. When he does it, the point where it was leant feels suddenly cold and empty on Kurt's covered skin, but he knows this is the right thing. Sebastian isn't supposed to touch him here, or in the library. Sebastian isn't supposed to give him something personal like a rare book.

"I am," Sebastian says, shrugging at him. "But … not completely."

The way he says it.

Kurt's almost stuck with the way he says it. His eyes wander with no permission over Sebastian's face, his mind suddenly remembering how attractive he thought he was before Sebastian opened his mouth. It's all coming back to him now, his first impression: Sebastian's eyes are sparkling in a gorgeous, witty green, shining even more when the neon of the market circles his irises.

His lips are slightly arched into a smirk, and Kurt doesn't know if he's being allusive or just sincere.

He doesn't even know exactly what these words mean, the fact that he isn't _that much_ of an asshole. He isn't sure what he's supposed to do with that, what's the matter with Sebastian telling him. He hasn't even realized what Sebastian's intentions are actually.

All he knows is that at first he thought he was attractive, then he found he was an idiot and a thirty year old man, and then he eventually started daydreaming of him kissing his ear and whispering words in French on his skin while being sweetly pressed together.

He licks his lower lip then bites it, searching for the right question to ask, between appropriate and inappropriate questions for their roles.

_What are we doing? What are __**you**__ doing? Why did you get me a book? When you thought of me while reading it, what did you think? Are you married? Is this just some age kink? Do you know I have a boyfriend? Do you care? Did you and Mr. Clarington hook-up? What are you thinking now? Are you staring at my lips? Do you speak French in bed?_

Luckily, his stream of thoughts gets interrupted before it gets too much.

"_Kurt_!" Rachel's voice makes him startle from the completion, his heart almost jumping into his throat.

He turns fast and looks at her and God, Rachel looks so angry. Kurt knows something's coming. He would be too stupid not to realize it.

He turns back to Sebastian and lowers his voice.

"I … hum … gotta go-"

"I know," Sebastian says and shrugs. "See you tomorrow?"

_Shit_.

The way he says this too makes Kurt bite his lower lip again. There's no lesson tomorrow, so Kurt knows _exactly_ what Sebastian's doing. He is indirectly asking him if he's going to go to the library and meet him. His heart's beating fast and strong again, and Kurt's losing any control over it. Every single time it gets worse. It's just like Rachel said: it's forbidden, it's funny, something inside Kurt wants _more_ of it.

"I-I …" He thinks about it and then shakes his head to fight it, but what comes out of his mouth is actually: "Yeah … okay. See you tomorrow."

Sebastian looks satisfied with the answer because he winks and walks by.

As he does, he leans just barely to Kurt's ear to whisper, "I can't wait for us to be alone ..."

It sounds terribly nasty, even when Sebastian trails back and walks away, but it makes Kurt think: being alone means that he's going to get a chance to actually talk to him for real, instead of these awkward conversations. It means he's going to finally tell Sebastian to back off clearly.

"Kurt Elizabeth Hummel!"

Kurt turns sadly towards Rachel, knowing this was coming. She's walking straight to him, pointing with eagerness on her face as she speaks more softly.

"You have an affair with a grown up man who's the librarian of our school," she says like she doesn't even believe the words.

When Kurt takes a second more to answer, she's already opening her mouth widely in shock.

"You do!" she yells, and Kurt shushes her.

"I don't," he says and walks until they're close enough to whisper. "I don't. He's just … It's him. I'm not doing anything and I don't plan on doing anything," he explains and watches as Rachel tries not to set the fire and listen first. "Besides, it would be stupid of me. He's also teaching French at-"

"_Oh-my-God_." Rachel stops him, her eyes opened in disbelief. "This is why you had a bad day! You found out you have an affair with a teacher!"

"He's not the teacher-"

"You said he teaches French-"

"Occasionally, I guess," Kurt stops her, looking badly at her. "And I _don't_ have an affair, _shut up_. Did you forget I'm with Blaine?"

Rachel looks a little weird at the words, licking her lower lip nervously like something's on her mind. Something that Kurt doesn't know, or at least so it seems. Maybe he's just wrong.

"I didn't," she says eventually. "So … no affairs with older men?"

"No way," Kurt says, sounding sure and honest, and Rachel tugs his arm.

"Then we better get going, don't want to make Blaine wait for our movie night, do you?" she asks and Kurt immediately shakes his head, feeling calmer.

He's still so worried about what happened and what's going to happen tomorrow eventually, that he doesn't even wonder about the reason why Rachel stopped being suspicious abruptly. He just takes the chance to relax. This day's been way too stressful for him to wonder any more questions about it.

14


	4. Chapter 3

**A/N:** Hello, I'm updating a lot and I'll do in the following days still, at least until the end of September. So don't add me to your alert list if you don't want to be bored by emails xD

I hope you do like the chapter and sorry if it took me a little longer than usual ^^ Also. Plot twist shh. - xoxo

**Warning: **Emotional cheating. Though I don't think this is considered cheating, I wouldn't even say it is the most honest thing ever.

**Beta:** CaramelApple74, who gives me an amazing support with her opinions on the stories, besides her corrections!

* * *

**Chapter 3**

It wasn't the worst of nights.

They spent last night sitting on the sofa and watching The Notebook all over again. Sometimes, when they do, Rachel feels a little out of place. Blaine would lean over during the movie and whisper words into his ear, just like he did last night. Kurt would giggle, both at how lovely his boyfriend sounded and how annoyed Rachel seemed at times. He didn't giggle last night, he couldn't. Maybe it was the only different thing than usual, but Kurt wasn't even sure Blaine noticed because, except for that little moment, he was quite able to turn his mind off of Sebastian and whatever that building thing in his chest towards him was supposed to be.

Sometimes along the night, Rachel and Blaine exchanged looks and though Kurt couldn't be sure, he also heard them whispering some things when he was falling asleep on the sofa. He didn't pay too much attention to it though. It's not like Blaine and Rachel don't have things they only talk about with one another. Kurt and Rachel do, too. And Kurt and Blaine … well, they usually have sex with Rachel wandering around the apartment, so she would be the one to complain.

While he thinks about it, he's in front of the library, holding some books to his chest and staring at the words written in the stone – or at least that's how it seems from down there – on the building, just over the columns at the entrance: NYADA Library. It looks pretty much older than it seems, and Kurt realizes how nervous he is from the fact that he's never noticed before. Right now though, he's anticipating with anxiety, so he needs to think about anything that's not what's going on.

He shouldn't be here.

Maybe the best thing to do is go back, but it would also mean delaying an inevitable conversation. No matter how easy avoiding Sebastian sounds, Kurt's always been very mature and he doesn't really feel like pretending that he doesn't see him around NYADA so that they never get the chance to make things clear. What he really wants instead is talking and making things clear with Sebastian, so that he doesn't even have to do this anymore.

Maybe, if it all stops being so awkwardly forbidden, Kurt will stop wanting it too.

He breathes in and walks the three steps of the short stairs until he pulls the door open and makes the bell on top of it ring around the library.

There's only one student there, of course: it's only 2pm.

It's some sort of punk Asian boy, piercings and straight, soft black hair around his face. Kurt can see his enormous headphones. The boy's reading so he won't hopefully see him as Kurt slides behind him.

He walks around the place where he's sitting, the sun behind dim enough not to make his shadow too notable.

This time he's more focused; he doesn't want things to go like they did last time, with Sebastian suddenly tugging him from behind and make him startle. He can feel steps behind his back, but he patiently waits until he's walking between the last two lines of shelves before he stops, without even turning back.

"Don't get too close," he whispers softly, knowing from the steps that Sebastian's close enough to hear him.

"I wasn't planning on it." Sebastian says, his voice sounding hoarse and teasing as always.

"I don't believe you. I don't believe anything you say." Kurt says lowly, gazing at the end of the line of shelves without really looking at it.

"And yet, here you are, Hummel," Sebastian replies, taking another step towards him. "I certainly was lying, but you seem to enjoy it when I do."

Kurt turns abruptly towards him, trying not to swallow when he finds himself staring into those green eyes, slightly golden with the warm soft light coming from the outside, the window on Sebastian's left.

"I don't," He says immediately, throwing daggers through his gaze. He opens that this defensive way of acting hides his nerves instead of making them more evident. His heart's beating again; it's those Sebastian-beats, Kurt can tell.

"You do." Sebastian fights back, taking another step.

It would all be so easy if he was less unfairly attractive as he is. He's charming and hot, looks younger and wild. His hair is fixed but there's a little messy strand flying out of it. Kurt has to fight the urge to lean over and fix that too. The light also makes Sebastian's freckles more evident and clearer in Kurt's eyes. He's never noticed how charming his skin is too, also along his jaw, where short probably tickling hairs are growing. He's such a grown up man …

"_I don't_," he repeats stronger when he gets back from the staring phase. "I don't want to be part of this, I-I don't even know what _this is_ or when it started or why. Why are you hitting on a student?" he asks, trying to keep his tone down.

"I'm not hitting on _a student_." Sebastian says though, hands in his pockets, shrugging lightly. "Even if I were _hitting_ on someone, that would be you, not a _student_," he implies as Kurt looks torn at the words.

He doesn't know if he feels like Sebastian's making fun of him because _of course_ he's hitting on him – it's not like Kurt hasn't noticed – or to feel some kind of … flattered? At the thought that Sebastian wants to make it clear that this is about _him_, not a student. Considering Kurt's first impressions of Sebastian, he wouldn't be surprised if he found out that he has, actually, hit on other students too. Knowing that he's the only one is reassuring in a way it isn't supposed to be reassuring.

But then again, everything that is and shouldn't be is just _Sebastian_.

"Well, that doesn't change anything," he tries to answer anyway, taking a step back. "No matter how much you try and woo me, I'm the kind of person one can buy with compliments, I-"

"I know." Sebastian lifts his hands, like he's surrendering. He's not. Kurt knows it. "Hummel, you seriously aren't. I know you're so much more than that." It sounds low but meaningful and God, Kurt doesn't want this.

He doesn't want to know Sebastian has a positive opinion of him, doesn't want to care about what he thinks. And yet, at the same time, he _wants_ to know more, wants to find out if Sebastian really thinks that or if he's just saying it to … get into his pants? He didn't even _consider_ this before.

Sebastian takes another step towards him and Kurt just lifts his hands warningly.

"What do you want from me?" he asks, going straight to the point. "I don't hook-up with … I don't even know if you're a teacher, I-"

"Well, I might examine some of you." Sebastian shrugs as he keeps walking relentlessly towards Kurt, light and nonchalantly. "Hunt's been a friend of mine since college and sometimes he lets me do it because I know I _love_ teaching and question students' preparation."

"You're mean." Kurt cuts him immediately, already knowing that most of the fun consists probably in humiliating students with impossible questions. Also, he can't ignore the rush of jealousy that goes through his body as soon as he hears the nickname.

Sebastian called Mr. Clarington _Hunt_ which is so intimate and affective, and now Kurt's head is filled of that idiot's voice implying they had sex. Sebastian's body is right in front of him now, so real and near that Kurt can't help but look at it. The thought that someone he sees everyday like his teacher might have put his hands on Sebastian's body, his shoulders, his chest, his freckles. This isn't supposed to irritate him so much. He doesn't want Sebastian like that and he'll never want this.

"And you can't act like this if you're going to be my teacher," he adds then, unable to keep from swallowing, no matter how hard he tries not to do it. "I pay for real teachers to teach me though. I can't really see myself being a person that accepts his teacher making a friend do his job without considering his probably inappropriate preparation, I-"

"Kurt, honey," Sebastian tilts his head and smirks at him, now standing at less than five feet away from him, "I totally have a preparation for that."

For a few seconds Kurt thinks this is some sort of stupid innuendo he doesn't manage to understand but then he remembers about the first day in the library, French speaking, mentioning books and poems.

"What would that be?" he asks anyway, lifting his chin like he doesn't want to show Sebastian his weakness or hesitation.

Sebastian takes another step.

"I have a grade in French literature acquired in the town itself, Paris," Sebastian explains, but Kurt can practically see the way he's boasting, "I'm also C2 European grade, so you know, I speak French perfectly and fluently." He takes another step. Kurt takes one back. "I'm basically perfect for these lessons and I'm going to get a permission to examine students too. Would you like getting examined by me?"

"This is insane." Kurt rolls his eyes and holds his back like it's the only thing which keeps him locked to reality and doesn't make him lose his head. "I don't want to get examined from someone who isn't my teacher."

"I'd make things so much easier for you," Sebastian whispers, and the way he looks into Kurt's eyes, directly, makes Kurt wonder why the hell he thinks he would agree. This is corruption. "Do you really want to let Hunt examine you? He's got such a terrible accent-"

"Well, does he know about it?" Kurt asks sharply, "I guess friends don't talk behind friends' backs."

"He knows. I told him so many times." Sebastian rolls his eyes, like that's not the point of their conversation. "Like I was saying, there's a fair chance you'll get to your exam and won't understand a word of what Hunter might say. I would speak clearly for you, make all the words sound perfectly clean and well-pronounced to your ears."

"I'm not that kind of person." Kurt takes another step back and that it's it. He's trapped again. Only this time, he's blocked against the wall instead of the shelves. He gasps as Sebastian steps closer. Why can't he just go and leave him alone? This is what Kurt's supposed to do, both as boyfriend and as a student.

"You're not," Sebastian confirms, and his smirk is ridiculously annoying. "But I am. I'm offering you a chance to get your French extra degree easily …" He walks until he's close enough to press his arm on the wall beside Kurt's head, so that he can lean and whisper on his lips, "_Je vais t'acheter_."

"But I'm not buyable," Kurt whispers back onto Sebastian's mouth, having no idea why he's murmuring so lowly, too. For a moment, he looks down at Sebastian's lips. They're thin, totally attractive and basically everything they shouldn't be. He looks up again. "You can't buy me like this. If you want something from me, just be honest and tell it straight to my face. Don't try to buy me like you know that it's the only remote way you would get in my pants, because it won't happen."

Sebastian's irises are suddenly blown again and he's smirking with excitement, like _he loves_ the way Kurt's fighting him. Why does he always manage to confuse Kurt so much? It would be easier if he was just a boring librarian who wants to hook-up with students.

"I knew it," he murmurs, and he's now so close that his warm breath ends on Kurt's lips.

Again.

"W-what?" Kurt asks and his attempt to say it coldly fails.

"That you were too good to accept that. Nice try, Hummel." He smirks and Kurt suddenly feels fucking frustrated because _of course_ Sebastian would play with his mind like this. He should have figured it out. "Last night you told me you had a fantasy about me," Mr. Smythe whispers softly, his eyes locked onto Kurt's, "What was that about?"

"It doesn't matter." Kurt answers immediately. "It won't happen again."

"I have fantasies about you too, you know." He bites his lower lip and _God_, he looks so sexy as he does. "Don't you want to know about it?"

When Sebastian's green irises shine dimly like emeralds, Kurt already knows what his fantasies are about. On the one hand, there's a wicked side of him who's awkwardly flattered that a thirty year old man fantasizes about him. It makes him feel attractive and he's not used to it. On the other hand though, it also makes him sick to know that he's pressed between the wall and the body of an older man who eventually jerks off to him, no matter how sexy and good-smelling he is (not to mention his enchanting charisma, which is even more attractive than his beauty).

And what if Sebastian actually _does_ jerk off to him?

The thought alone is enough to have Kurt's cheeks as red as roses as he looks down to avoid his gaze. Sebastian's eyes are getting too heavy with something, and Kurt doesn't feel like he could stand it any longer.

"Let me just go, please," he says a little weakly and shaky, "I told you mine wasn't anything sexual, so even if I … even if I thought there was actually something interesting in you, we clearly don't have the same goal."

His eyes are absently – maybe not – focused on Sebastian's chest. That might work. If Sebastian just wants to get into a younger boy's pants, this might be enough to tone him down.

But Sebastian's laughing and that forces Kurt to look up in confusion.

. And when he does … just. _Wow_. Sebastian looks so amazing when he laughs and this is the worst thing ever. It's that he's this incredible mix of natural beauty, sex appeal, sarcasm, French fluency and literature passion that makes him look like he's the most unbelievable man in the world. It makes people forget about how much of an asshole he is, which is shocking, considering the amount of bitchiness he hides behind his qualities.

"Who said that, Kurt?" he jokes. "You know, I can practically have any man I want to get my hands on in a moment. If I wanted you in my bed, je t'assure, mon chouchou, you'd be there by now and not for the first time …"

"You're so modest, _Mr. Smythe_," Kurt replies, even if his cheeks are blushing dark. His tone is harsher on his name. He wants Sebastian to keep in mind that he's his student. He wants him to _always_ keep it in his mind. "I wouldn't be in your bed. I have a boyfriend, it's not like I don't enjoy that side of it already," he says, and Sebastian's lips part in surprise and something that Kurt might recognize as disappointment, if he didn't know what kind of man Sebastian is. "Which was … hmm … awkward to say. I mean, for you to know about, huh, your students' sex life, I'm-"

"You have a boyfriend." Sebastian says, blinking, still shocked and licking his lips nervously. It's not a question. It's a statement.

So _that's_ what his face is about. Kurt thought that Sebastian just wanted to be a jerk about the fact that Kurt does have a sexual life, but this is about Blaine. Kurt didn't realize he'd never told Sebastian that he was taken. Okay, he's thought about it many times when he was around him, but he never _told_ him.

"Yeah …" he murmurs then, biting his lower lip. So the thing he saw as disappointment over Sebastian's face …?

"Of course you do," Sebastian sighs, and then his hand shifts from where it was against the wall. And now Mr. Smythe is looking anywhere but towards Kurt. "You're … how old are you? Twenty? Twenty-one? Shit, I should have know-"

"You care?" Kurt can't help but ask instinctively, though he hates himself for saying out loud.

At least Sebastian's eyes are on him again now and he's looking at Kurt like he can't understand the question. Well, now it's too late to take it back and it's better to be clear, so that Sebastian can't misunderstand his words.

"I mean … when you hit on me," he blushes a little at the words, or maybe just because Sebastian's looking straight into his eyes, "you don't care that I'm ten years younger than you; or that I'm your student, or your friend's student even. You don't care about the fact that you might lose your job and I might turn into NYADA's joke. You don't care, so much, that you gave me your precious, rare Las Rimas in Spanish," he says and takes a breath before he continues. "But now you seem to care about the fact that I have a boyfriend. I didn't even have to push you back. You stepped back yourself."

Sebastian licks his lower lip again, more nervously, and Kurt's totally so not staring at his mouth as it gets shiny with saliva. Totally.

Mr. Smythe looks like he's trying to put the pieces of himself back together again. It's awkward to see him like this instead of the usual smirking arrogant asshole he's been until now. It makes Kurt's stomach clench like all the time, but now … now there's also a new uncontrollable beat hammering in his chest.

When he doesn't speak though, Kurt can't hold a snap.

"I didn't think you were the kind of guy who cared about boyfriends," he says honestly, and their gazes are locked again, "or about anything if you wanted to get into someone's pants, you-"

There's no need for Sebastian to stop him at that, because Kurt gets it alone from his own words.

Sebastian just said that if this was about sex, it would have been already done by now, and Kurt didn't believe him. But now … It all makes sense.

If Sebastian just wanted to fuck one his students, he's seductive enough to get what he wants. Kurt's pretty sure that he would've pressed him into this wall right now and kissed his neck until Kurt would guiltily beg him for more. Then, since he seems a fucking tease, they would end up frotting until Kurt would've come in his pants.

If Sebastian just wanted to put his hands on a younger boy – which is so forbidden and inviting for his age maybe -, he could easily go to a pub and just flirt until he got one. They would end up in a dirty bathroom stall, the boy on his knees, sucking Sebastian off (What if Sebastian does that on Friday nights? Kurt hates it that he already feels like killing the imaginary guy in the nasty fantasy going on in his mind. It's not like Sebastian belongs to him. Blaine does).

If Sebastian just wanted to have sex, maybe – and just _maybe_ – he wouldn't risk losing his job over a college student.

"You see it now, don't you?" Sebastian asks, shaking his head and looking disappointed.

But at the same time, it's not like there are some feelings involved right? They've known each other for barely two weeks now and had a few occasions to just flirt (guilt clenching in his stomach is immediate and painful) and speak French – which was sexy, but there's no chance that there might be feeling building up.

At least, this is what Kurt feels like.

He's totally attracted to the man who's looking at him right now, but he can't say he feels something for Sebastian. Excitement, heart beating and muscles clutching are a consequence to his guilt for fantasizing and not fighting more firmly, mixed with the new desire of exploring the forbidden, especially for Kurt who always walked through safe roads.

"There's nothing to see in this I guess," he says honestly then, and he just wants to sound sincere because he is. "No matter how appealing it must be for you to try and get closer to a student, but whether it's sexually or just emotionally, I still can't figure out why you think it's worth losing your position in case someone finds out." Sebastian's opening his mouth to reply but Kurt stops him. "And don't give me any of your _I know you wouldn't tell anyone_ crap because I won't accept it. You don't know me, Sebastian. You can't be sure that I wouldn't and yet you're taking a stupid risk that might compromise your life standards."

"My standards would be quite high either way," Sebastian answers, looking calmer and unable to keep a smug smile. "So, what's your boyfriend like?"

Kurt wrinkles his face at the question, because seriously, can Sebastian actually ignore everything he's just said and make such a stupid question?

"God, you're thirty," he says, wincing and shaking his head. "Grow up."

This can be considered the end of the conversation as far as Kurt's concerned. He tried to give Sebastian a chance to be mature about this, to talk about it without just giving him bitch faces and everything. Sebastian doesn't seem willing to do it and this is when things are over to Kurt. He shows him a face that clearly says "I'm going, fuck off", before he moves aside to slide away.

And this.

This is what being _pressed_ into a wall by Sebastian Smythe feels like.

Kurt barely has the time to take a few steps, then his back's leant against the wall again, Sebastian's hands grabbing firmly at his shirt and their eyes locked once more. Kurt's legs are shaking and he's newly scared about the pervert homicidal maniac story until Sebastian's eyes soften, just like his whole face.

"I want you," he says, low and warm, his breath ghosting over Kurt's mouth. It's not dirty or creepy as Kurt thought it would sound. He actually isn't even sure Sebastian's talking about sex from the ways his eyes look human and awkwardly weak. It breaks Kurt a little. "No matter how funny you think this is for me. It's not," he whispers, his voice cracking somewhere in the middle of the sentence. Kurt can't know exactly when because he's too lost in what Sebastian's trying to tell him. "I … I've been thinking of you so much during these days, you have no idea. No matter how much I try to focus on books, on stupid French lessons I'm not even supposed to teach, I … can't stop thinking about you-"

"Why?" Kurt asks immediately, blinking slowly. For a moment, Sebastian's eyes shift to his lips, and then they're back into Kurt's. "Why can't you? What's with me that makes you act like you can't bring yourself to care about how wrong this thing is?"

"You're different," Sebastian says like it means everything.

But it means nothing to Kurt and still, it doesn't explain or answer the questions which are starting to torture him.

"From what?" he asks, whispering the words right on Sebastian's face. "Tell me, Sebastian, what's the comparison here? What are you comparing me to? Because I can't seem to understand and I don't think I'm stupid, so this is you being vain."

"From people," Sebastian says, barely leaving Kurt the chance to complete the sentence. "You're not like a boy of your age. When I was twenty, I just wanted to fuck around," he says and shit, the way the word comes out of his mouth even though it's meant to sound hot, well … Kurt doesn't want to give Sebastian a chance to turn him on. Not really. "But you're not like most of the people at my age. They're so fucking boring, they're denying that they're growing up-"

"You do too," Kurt stops him, and for a moment they just stay like this.

They gaze at each other, study each other's faces and Kurt bites his lower lip when he realizes how close they are. Sebastian's fingers are still wrapped tightly around his shirt and he can feel the heat coming from Mr. Smythe's body. It almost makes him think of his fantasy now that they're not speaking and everything's silent around them. Sebastian's body feels pleasant so close, just like he had imagined.

"You're growing up too," he whispers eventually, calm and silent.

Sebastian's lips arch into a smirk and then he's finally letting go of the limbs of Kurt's shirt, wincing playfully.

"I am," he says, shrugging and putting his hands in his pockets. "I know, Kurt, there's no need for you to tell me. I'm sorry for acting like … this," he says, gesturing to Kurt's shirt to imply the movement. "You know, one thing age won't change is when you're confused," he explains, and Kurt lifts his eyebrows in interest – now that Sebastian's far enough for him to feel safe and the conversation seems more quite. "And I _am_ confused about you. So much."

The tone in Sebastian's voice, the way it cracks a little even though he's smiling sounds so suspiciously like desperation. Kurt doesn't want to let himself be flattered, really, but it seems like Sebastian's hard time figuring out his confusion about him and how to act towards it. The worst thing about it is that it makes Sebastian more human and weak in Kurt's eyes, like he isn't guilty about what he's doing. But _he is_ and Kurt can't really allow himself to think of something like that.

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asks, trying not to sound as hesitant as he feels towards the question and the eventual answer. There's also an uncomfortable part of him who might be disappointed if the answer isn't exactly what Sebastian's made him understand.

Seriously, what's wrong with him?

"It means just what I said," Sebastian answers, but he still looks more at ease now, which is so much better than being pressed into the wall for Kurt. "I'm confused when I'm around you. I'm not used to being confused, so I pretty much freak out about you all the time."

_Freak out_. Kurt can't really imagine Sebastian freaking out about something, not to mention freaking out about him. He always looks so sure of himself that it makes him calm and somehow wise. Or maybe that's because he's thirty.

"You're making me confused too," he confesses and stares as Sebastian smiles. "Don't smile, this is serious. I shouldn't feel confused when I have a relationship."

"Kurt," Sebastian says, the smile still printed on his face and it looks fond and wise somehow. "You barely know what a real relationship is," he says, stepping back a little. "I know it must probably seem like the most beautiful love story of your life right now, but … a real relationship is different," he says.

"How come?" Kurt couldn't really want to ask, but it's out before he can keep it.

"Well," Sebastian sighs like he finds it hard to explain, "one day you'll figure it out. But being in college and dating a guy? Maybe living with him, sharing a flat and cuddling on the sofa? This is too platonic to be real, Kurt. It's so ideal."

Kurt softens his face a little then and well, he would've never said it but it's pleasant to talk with him about life and what's real. It's somehow intellectual and he enjoys it. It's making the situation lighter and he feels left uncomfortable, like he's somehow already forgot about the way they were almost pressed together intimately.

"I love Bécquer," he shrugs and now he's smiling too, "so platonic and ideal is practically stuck in my head."

Sebastian laughs and nods and then they hear some steps along the hallway. Sebastian's pretty good with instincts because he grabs a book from a shelf before a girl appears behind his back, evidently searching for something. Kurt looks into his eyes and Sebastian hands him the book.

"I think this is what you were searching for." His acting is pretty good. "You could've asked me instead of buzzing around the library for twenty minutes." He winks and Kurt has to keep from smiling (which is so fucking bad, because it looks like they're hiding something when there's not to hide; _not yet_, the voice in his head suggests mean).

"Yeah, I didn't want to bother," he says and grabs the book and pulls it close to his chest. "Thank you so much, Seb-Mr. Smythe," he corrects, suddenly in panic, "I'll ask you first next time."

"Don't get too used to bothering me," Sebastian jokes right before the girl can appear beside him.

"I'm sorry, are you the new librarian?" she asks. "I'm searching for something, but it's quite rare and I'm not so sure I can find it."

"Just tell me about it," he says and nods one last time towards Kurt, like to say goodbye.

"Thanks again, Mr. Smythe," Kurt plays perfectly. "Have a nice day."

Before Sebastian can answer or look at him again, Kurt's already walking by to get out of this place with a sudden urge to breathe fresh air.

It isn't actually until he gets home that he manages to get a grip.

He spent most of his trip in the train breathing in and out and trying to somehow get rid of Sebastian's scent. The worst thing is that not only can he feel it, but it's that his clothes probably smell like Sebastian. For a moment he wondered if this is how one feels when his husband can smell another man on his man's clothes. He knows he hasn't cheated, but the fact itself that he actually allowed Sebastian to get so close to him, well ... it feels a lot like cheating if you ask Kurt. He thought a lot about it while the train was leading him home. He thought about whether he should consider considering what it's going on; maybe he should wonder about the reasons why he isn't acting like he should, why he isn't just indifferent to Sebastian as he should be.

When he gets home and opens the door, he's calmer indeed but not less confused.

It doesn't help that Rachel's sitting at the table, a magazine in front of her and her eyes already lifted like she was waiting for Kurt to come back home; which is so, so bad, especially for the way Rachel's looking at him. Some days, Kurt's afraid she can read straight into his mind with just one look. Today's one these days.

"Hmm, hi Rach!" he says as nonchalantly as he can. "What were you doing?"

He hopes this is one of those days when Rachel is so self-centered that she gets into the trap and starts talking about herself instead of questioning him about something that's clearly on her mind now. He can't be that lucky though. He never is lately.

"Where have you been?" she asks suspiciously, tightening her eyelids. Kurt opens his mouth to reply, but before he can do that, Rachel's already continuing, "Were you at the library at NYADA?"

"_Rachel!_" His eyes widen and oh God, he had hoped so much that Sebastian and he weren't that obvious at the market yesterday. "This … it's totally not what you think-"

"So_ there is _something!" Rachel looks at him incredulously, letting go the page of the magazine she was holding a moment ago. "Oh my God, Kurt! How old is he? Did you … did you do something with him? And you totally _were_ at the library, I saw you walking there!"

"W-what, Rachel, are you _stalking_ me?" Kurt asks, nervously, still standing in the middle of the apartment and fidgeting with the bag.

"Don't try this, Kurt." Rachel says, shaking her head, but she doesn't move from the chair she's sitting on. "Don't you think you can distract me. You went to the library to meet a guy that's possibly seven years older than you-"

"Ten," Kurt corrects stupidly, "Huh, I mean, whatever."

Rachel is now looking at him with her mouth wide open.

Kurt has no idea why he felt such a stupid need to add it, like Rachel isn't clearly already judging him.

"I was there," he confesses, now that his friend's finally silent for a moment, enough for him to think about how to say this, "but nothing happened and nothing will. He's charming, you've seen that. That's it. I think it's more about the fact that he gives me attention and he's forbidden."

Rachel bites her lower lip and shakes her head. Her face looks sorry, though Kurt can't really understand why.

"Kurt, why can't you see that?" she asks disappointed, "It's just like chocolate?"

"Like chocolate?" Kurt asks, wincing and finally stepping closer.

Now that Rachel doesn't seem that aggressive anymore, he can sit at the table. Well, he has to admit that somehow the look she's giving him feels a lot worse than when she's just mad, but at least she isn't yelling in his face.

"Yes, like chocolate," Rachel says again like it's the most obvious thing, though Kurt has no idea what she's talking about. "Don't you remember what I told you about your chocolate ice-cream?" she says.

"Guess I was too busy feeling guilty about it." Kurt rolls his eyes, and Rachel winces like she's trying to smile but she can't bring herself to do it because she's worried and nervous.

"You don't really listen to me when I scold you, do you?" She sighs but eventually she leans a little towards Kurt to explain. "You told me that chocolate tempted you because you weren't supposed to eat it. It's like it seemed better and awesome just because you couldn't have it, right?"

Kurt nods at the words.

Now he remembers.

Actually, he's sure he's applied Rachel's words to Sebastian himself, like thinking that this only about the forbidden and nothing more than that.

"Yeah, but I don't … you know, I don't plan on doing what I did with chocolate, if that's what's bothering you," Kurt says, shrugging and feeling more at ease now that Rachel seems less judgmental. "I'm not planning on having a taste of it so that it's not funny anymore," he explains to her, "In fact, I'm pretty sure, I don't want to have a taste at all."

Rachel seems unsure for a moment, like she wants to complain about it, but eventually, whatever she has to say is way more important than that.

"You don't get it; you're _already_ having a taste of it," she says and Kurt winces, unable to understand what she's implying. Before he can ask, Rachel's already speaking again. "The simple fact that you're seeing him, even if you find yourself an excuse to do it, it's having a taste of it."

"It's not!" Kurt murmurs, suddenly in panic, like he is every time Rachel talks to him like this. Like when she opens his eyes about auditions for songs and stuff like that.

"_It is_," Rachel says rolls her eyes. "I truly believe what I told you, Kurt. About all the not having enough and wanting more. What you're doing now is … having a taste – even if you don't realize it now I guess – and you're going to want more. The more Mr. Smythe smiles at you, the more you'll want him to kiss you, because it's even _more_ forbidden."

Kurt bites his lower lip. God, maybe for once Rachel is right. He knows part of this whole Sebastian thing is due to the fact that he's always been a quite educated, strict child, and stepping out of the line is tempting. He's been so educated to rules that he had nine months of perfect diet without ever breaking it. He can only imagine how fantastic it must be for his mind and his ego that an adult hits on him. It's awkwardly awesome and flattering for that part of him who was always faithful to rules.

"I …" he tries to say, but he only finds himself looking down in embarrassment.

"I understand the reason why you do this, Kurt," Rachel says though, and he manages to look up again, "I really do. This whole Mr. Smythe thing makes sense, and plus, it's not too unbelievable that you're feeling cheerful about a teacher hitting on you – because I _know_ he is -, I've been there, remember? I had my teacher crush even though Mr. Schue always fought. But what if he didn't? I'm sure I would have been responsible in the case, so I understand what's happening to you," she explains and Kurt calms down just a little. "In your case, that's even worse. I had my flirts and cheating things at high school, but you were always the perfect guy who loved his boyfriend too much to ever do this."

This stabs Kurt in his chest a little. In the past he never thought about cheating on Blaine. He texted a certain Chandler of course, but that was it. He just wanted attention during that period and it was never more than that. The fact that he fantasizes aboutSebastian, takes gifts from him and meets him in secret in the library. This makes him wonder if something has changed with Blaine and him, with their relationship.

"See?" Rachel asks, and Kurt looks at her again. She practically seems to be reading into his mind, which can be so painful now. "I'm pretty sure that has changed. I'm not saying you would do that, but you don't seem to have the right conscience to stop this thing either like you would have done a year ago."

Kurt sighs, something painful clinching into his chest and making him wince. He feels so sorry for Blaine, feels so sorry for doing this to him. He knows he isn't cheating, but Blaine trusts him enough not to even think Kurt would _flirt_ with a boy, not to mention his teacher. He is practically feeling depressed now. _Thanks, Rachel_.

"You're just confused, Kurt," she says when she notices how worried he looks. She gives him a smile and that makes Kurt feel better somehow. "All you need to do is just to take your time and try to understand what it's happening between the two of you. You'll have to figure out if this … hesitation to push some guy away is about Blaine, your relationship or maybe something else that's stressing you and so it's influencing your ways of living."

Kurt nods. Rachel's speech makes a lot of sense and _actually_, he would totally want to understand if this is actually it. Maybe having a little time to just think would make him feel surer about whatever's suddenly going on with his life. He's quite sure that it's not just Sebastian. It can't be about him only, right? This is some huge thing into Kurt's life, though he didn't manage to understand it before, this is him doing the complete opposite of what he's always done.

"So," he begins, licking his lips nervously and swallowing before he continues, "What do you suggest I do? Should I … hmm ask Blaine for some time off? I don't think I would want it …"

"Well, what you want isn't exactly what you should talk about. You owe honesty to Blaine." She shrugs. "But look at him. When he cheated on you, he barely talked about it with me, and as you can see, it still hasn't figured out our serious it was," she explains, and though Kurt feels an unbearable pain at the words, he's also thankful that Rachel doesn't consider it a taboo word, because it happened and it's real. "He still makes jokes about it and well, although we both know that he doesn't want to hurt you on a purpose. I mean, he just says what goes through his mind because back then when it happened, he was too busy thinking about a way to get you back to meditate on the reasons that might have pushed him into it."

Kurt's never thought about it.

He's always just assumed that Blaine was emotionally weak and alone back then. He's never even considered the idea that he might have need to deal with the reasons instead. This is something new and well, maybe it's _really_ the reason why Blaine stills makes jokes about it.

"So, what do you suggest I do?" he asks, finally letting Rachel in completely. "I'm serious, I … I don't feel like taking time off with Blaine. We live together and it might be complicated for both of us to see each other every day. Plus, I don't really doubt what we have because of this … crush?"

"But still, you wouldn't be able to think about it properly if the only places you attend are NYADA and our apartment-"

"What about Vogue?" Kurt asks, wrinkling his nose.

"Well, that's your job and it would be a stressful environment for you to think about your life." She shrugs. "But at the same time, having Blaine and … Mr. Smythe constantly around won't help you have some space for yourself to ponder."

"Should I break free?" Kurt asks ironically, but Rachel's answer makes him free on his chair, washing that smug smile off of his face.

"No," she says, "I think you need therapy."


End file.
